Sins of the Father: Cold Comfort
by RikersSB
Summary: Owen Paris is a good man. He does the right thing. He doesn't make mistakes. Until one day, when he does.
1. Chapter 1

This is the first part in a series following Owen and Tom Paris and exploring the mistakes they make, how they deal with them, and the impact it has on their relationship.

This story does take inspiration from the storyline in Jeri Taylor's novel Mosaic where Owen and Kathryn are captured by Cardassians and he is tortured, but only conceptually. Most of the details will be different. This will show Owen being tortured by Cardassians, but it's mostly pain and manipulation, so it's not gory or anything. And regarding the sex, it is very explicit, but also very consensual.

Also, ALL THE THANKS to CaptAcorn for her help and suggestions and editing of this monstrosity. I've been working on this for WAY too long but she has been there the whole time with her support and awesomeness. This story would not be nearly as good without her efforts. And thanks too, to Sareki, who has been there for me since the beginning. Their patience and willingness to rip this thing apart has made it better, and I will be forever appreciative of their efforts.

In case anyone is wondering, since it's never directly stated, these are the ages of everyone involved:  
Owen and Julia Paris - 45  
Kathryn Janeway (and Ethan) - 25  
Kathleen Paris - 20  
Moira Paris - 18  
Tom Paris - 15

Also, the Paris family name is from Julia's family. Owen took it when they married. This is referenced in my Paris family ficlets, but is not directly addressed here.

* * *

 _January 12, 2371_

Hitting send on her final remaining urgent message for the day, Kathryn Janeway felt a pleasant wave of accomplishment and satisfaction wash over her. She had been dealing with the inevitable flurry of activity that accompanied a new mission all week, and things were finally coming together. Today it looked like she was actually going to be able to leave at a somewhat reasonable hour. If she left now, she could even meet Mark for dinner.

The door to her office in Starfleet headquarters swished open behind her, and she turned in her chair. "Cavit, can you–"

But when she saw the figure in the doorway, it wasn't her new first officer.

Her eyes widened. "Admiral Paris!" She swallowed. "What can I do for you?" Kathryn liked to think that not much could faze her, but she found Owen's unexpected appearance rather unnerving.

Owen smiled weakly and stuck his hand out. "Captain Janeway." Kathryn shook it, mostly out of habit, and nodded. He held on to her hand a little longer than necessary. "It's good to see you, Kathryn."

She smiled, feeling some of the tension break. "It's good to see you too, Owen." Thinking back, she wasn't even sure how long it had been since the last time she had seen him. She hadn't worked under his chain of command since she'd been on the _Al-Batani_ , since he'd ended… _it_. And Starfleet was a big place.

Looking at the man on the other side of her desk, she couldn't help noticing how much older he seemed. It wasn't just that he was in his sixties now. It was the dark circles under his eyes and a certain weariness that he seemed to carry with him that aged him beyond his years. "Please," she repeated, this time with more feeling, "what can I do for you?"

Owen sighed and took a seat across from her. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, for catching you at this time of day."

She settled back into her seat with a smile. "I always have time for old friends." He smiled at her words.

"I actually have a favor to ask. Unofficially."

Kathryn's eyebrows drew together, curiosity piqued. "What kind of favor?"

"I assume you've heard about Tom…"

Kathryn took in a measured breath. _Everyone's heard about Tom_ … "I have."

To most people, Owen might not have appeared distressed, but Kathryn could still find the subtle signs on Owen's face. While she was surprised to still be able to read him so well, she was hardly surprised that he was in distress. It would be hard for anyone who had dedicated their life to Starfleet to come to terms with their child's dishonorable discharge and eventual incarceration.

Especially a child with as much potential as Tom.

She had no idea how she could possibly help, but she didn't think Owen would come to her without good reason. Finally, he spoke again. "I've never used my position to keep him out of trouble. He… he made his choices. And he has to live with the consequences of those choices." Owen swallowed. "But this… Tom being in prison is eating Julia up inside."

"I'm so sorry, Owen. It must be so difficult."

Owen smiled gratefully and met her eyes. "Thank you, Kathryn." He paused. "I know you are being sent to find the _Val Jean_. The parole board has agreed to… to cut him a deal. I thought he might be able to help you. He'll know where their bases are. How they hide. He could help you find the ship, in return for a shorter sentence." He paused. "If you are willing to take him."

Owen looked up at her when he finished and she met his gaze. Her first response was hesitation. Everyone said Tom was trouble. If she took him with her, there was a good chance he would prove to be more trouble than he was worth. But as she looked into Owen's eyes, that response was quickly replaced by a different one.

Guilt.

After he'd ended the affair, there had been rumors. Not many people knew the details, but the after effects were visible to anyone paying attention. He and Julia had struggled for years to patch their relationship back together. His relationship with Tom had deteriorated. Kathryn knew she was responsible.

And she realized then that there was no way she could turn down an opportunity to do right by Owen's family. If Tom was a burden, it was one that she would bear.

"Of course, Owen. You can count on me."


	2. Chapter 2

_November, 2358_

The shuttle vibrated pleasantly under Kathryn's fingertips. Her assignment on the _Al-Batani_ started several months ago, following her promotion to lieutenant, and for the last forty-eight hours she'd been absolutely ecstatic. Forty-eight hours ago, Captain Paris had chosen her, especially for this mission. The opportunity for time to work directly with the captain was rare. And Kathryn was determined to make the most of it.

Her hands moved deliberately over the console in front of her, rechecking their position for the third time. There was no reason why she should need to check again, but it was important to be in position to get the best data. And it couldn't hurt to double check. Or triple check.

She had to make sure everything was right for the captain.

Paris had originally been her professor and mentor while she was at the Academy. She knew he thought highly of the work she'd done there. But this was the real world. She couldn't rest on her Academy achievements.

"Lieutenant." Captain Paris' strong, clear voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "How do things look?"

"Everything is proceeding according to our projections. We will have collected sufficient data from this location in approximately five minutes. Then we can move on to the next data point."

Paris gave her an approving smile, something coveted by his crew. He was notoriously hard to impress, and they all worked hard to earn his accolades.

He sat down next to her, blue eyes scanning over the readout from the console. "Looks good, Lieutenant." His fingers tapped out a few commands and he paused. Kathryn tried not to let it make her anxious. "I think we should get a little closer next."

"Why? The next planned data collection point is at heading zero one mark four. There shouldn't be anything wrong with my calculations," she insisted.

"No. Everything looks just fine," he reassured her. "I'm just wondering about this small spike in the radiation." He pointed to a small blip on his console, and Kathryn peered over his shoulder.

 _It_ was _odd_ , she thought. "I hadn't noticed that."

"It could just be a result of the emission nebula in the next system; they can have unpredictable radiation bursts. I just want to eliminate that possibility so that it doesn't compromise our data."

"That's a good idea," Kathryn agreed.

"I'm glad you approve, Lieutenant." His tone was neutral, but Kathryn felt her cheeks burn.

"I didn't mean… of course it's up to you. You know best."

Paris glanced at her briefly before returning to his console. "I didn't mean anything by that, Lieutenant. You know massive compact halo objects better than most people on the _Al-Batani_ and you have good instincts. I chose you for this mission for a reason."

Kathryn felt a warm rush in her chest at the compliment. "Thank you, Captain."

Paris smiled at her again. "So, ready to move closer?"

Kathryn grinned. "Yes, sir." She minimized the stellar analysis program and pulled up navigation. "New course laid in."

The small shuttle was moving towards their new heading when they both saw a small speck materialize in the distance.

"What _is_ that?" Kathryn blurted out.

"Scan it." His voice had lost all the soft familiarity of their previous exchange.

"I don't know why the scanner didn't already pick it up…" Kathryn wondered aloud as she began a new scan.

Paris shook his head. "If it just arrived, there wouldn't have been anything to find."

She couldn't argue with his logic, but if that was the case, it was a ship, and if it was a ship, this close to the Demilitarized Zone… That didn't bode well. Kathryn refocused her attention and looked over the results of the completed scan.

Her stomach tightened. "Captain, it's Cardassian. _Galor_ -class. And it's powering it's weapons."

"Get us out of here!" Paris bellowed. "Head for the nebula, we might be able to hide in the radiation."

Kathryn's heart was racing, but her training kicked in, overriding her fear. She quickly set a new heading and they were on their way. The only question was if they would be fast enough. "They're firing phasers, Captain!"

The last thing she remembered was Paris' voice. "Hold on!"

* * *

She woke up with a headache and a sour taste in her mouth and Captain Paris' face hovering above her. The worry creasing his face smoothed as her eyes blinked open and she sat up.

"You were knocked out when they hit us," he explained.

Kathryn just nodded, still groggy, and rubbed at her eyes. Looking around, she saw that they were alone in a small cell, all but empty, with only a hard pallet to sleep on. It was hot and sticky in the cell and Kathryn quickly shed her jacket, but she still felt sticky and too warm. She was sore everywhere and the heat was making her drowsy.

Captain Paris sat himself down against the empty wall, leaving the pallet empty, so she followed his lead and took the proffered seat, sitting herself across from him. Then he looked at her, blue eyes as serious as she'd ever seen them.

 _Don't be a hero._

 _The Federation has nothing to hide._

 _Help will come, we just have to hold on._

Kathryn's blood had run cold at his words.

Everyone received training at the Academy on how to withstand torture. It was a required part of Advanced Survival Strategies. The curriculum included information on how to respond to common manipulation techniques used in interrogation and torture and included pain management techniques. Kathryn had taken the class in her final year, but it was not something she thought she'd ever have to use.

Willing herself to be calm (the most important thing is to stay calm, she remembered), she nodded, unable to find anything to say.

After that, they'd sat quietly on opposite sides of the cell, waiting for something to happen, hoping for rescue but preparing for the worst. They hadn't waited long when their captors returned and took Captain Paris with them.

He'd been stoic, joining them calmly, not giving them a reason to use the heavy disruptors they had slung over their shoulders.

Watching him leave, she tried not to dwell on the possibilities.

 _Help will come, we just have to hold on._

Paris' words came back to her as she tried to quell the fear building in her chest and they gave her strength. _Help will come_. The problem was, their shuttle wasn't even supposed to check in with the _Al-Batani_ for another two days. Help might come, but would it be soon enough?

 _It'll be okay,_ she told herself. _If Captain Paris says it'll be okay, it'll be okay_.

Then she heard it.

It was soft at first, the occasional distantly raised voice. But over time, the shouts were increasingly close together. They got louder.

Then the screams began.

* * *

After some time, she couldn't tell how long, the screams stopped. Kathryn huddled on the small cot and pled with the universe that it would stay that way.

But it wasn't long before the screams returned and she squeezed her eyes shut and huddled closer to the wall. _No. Please no. Please stop. You can't do this!_ There was a brief pause, then she heard the captain scream again, louder this time. She struggled in vain to convince herself that whatever they were doing probably wasn't as bad as her terrified imaginings. But those screams…

The captain had always seemed invincible to Kathryn. Paris was everything she wanted to be as a Starfleet officer. He was a brilliant scientist and an excellent commander. She was convinced that he could do anything. But this wasn't what it was supposed to be like when she'd taken a position on his ship. The _Al-Batani_ was just a science vessel. They were supposed to be discovering new stellar phenomena, challenging and expanding their knowledge of the universe. Not getting captured by enemy forces.

Not _this_.

The screaming resumed and Kathryn began to hum to herself, but there was nothing she could do to block out his cries.

* * *

When Owen Paris followed his Cardassian captors through the heavy, metal doors, he steeled himself for anything. It was underwhelming; a medium-sized room, mostly empty. The guards stood at attention on either side of him, and the door slammed loudly behind him. There was no one else in the room and Owen wondered who they were waiting for. But waiting was something Owen could handle. If they thought this would rattle him, they had another thing coming.

After maybe ten minutes, a sudden beeping made the guards jump, much to Owen's amusement. After they'd recomposed themselves, the guard on his left began speaking into a communicator on his wrist, but Owen couldn't understand what was being said. They'd taken his commbadge, and with it, his universal translator, leaving Owen without a way to communicate.

After a few exchanges, the conversation seemed to end and both guards turned to look at him. Owen ignored the tension building in his stomach. The guard on the left nodded at him and began to speak, but Owen still couldn't understand him.

"If you would just give me back my commbadge…" Owen began, "this would be much easier."

The guard gave him a disgruntled look and pushed a button on the wrist communicator.

"Strip," the guard ordered, words suddenly intelligible.

Owen frowned, taking a step towards the guard. " _What_? Take me to your commander. You are acting in direct violation of—"

But as Owen approached the guard, he quickly flipped his gun in Owen's direction, pointing it directly at his chest. Swallowing, Owen quickly stepped back.

"Strip. _Now_." Owen stared at the gun pointed at him and nodded.

"Okay. Okay," he told them, raising his hands. "I'll do what you want."

The guard didn't lower his gun. Owen squared his shoulders then began to remove his jacket. Once that was off, he pulled the grey undershirt over his head and let it drop on top of the jacket by his feet. With a sigh, he leaned down, unlacing his boots, noticing how the gun followed him as he moved. Once the boots and socks were off, he stood back up and began to remove his pants, trying to ignore the disruptor pointed at him. When the black uniform pants rested on top of the rest of his clothes, Owen paused, hoping that would be sufficient to appease the guards.

The one with the gun jabbed it at him menacingly and the other began to sneer, and Owen grimaced before adding his underwear to the pile.

 _They don't get to take away your dignity unless you let them_ , he told himself, drawing himself up to his full height. Taking a breath, he tried again, "Now. Where is your commander? I'm sure we can—"

But the guards grabbed him roughly by the arms, leading him further into the room. His feet swung out underneath him as he was lifted off the floor, and Owen roared, "Put me down! I am a Starfleet captain! I demand that you let me talk to your commander!"

But they may as well have turned the universal translator back off, for as much difference as it made. Stopping in the middle of the room, they set him back down but didn't release him. Their fingers dug painfully into his upper arms and Owen knew there would be bruises later. Something began lowering from the ceiling and Owen felt a knot forming in his stomach. Before he knew what was happening, the guards wrenched his arms up, the shackles suspended from the ceiling automatically closing around his wrists.

"Release me at once and we can deal with this in a civilized manner!"

But once again, the guard ignored his demands. Both stood in front of him, watching silently as though to admire their handiwork. Finally the one on the right spoke. He sneered, giving Owen a long look up and down. "Sorry. _Captain_."

Owen's face burned, but he forced himself to focus, trying another tactic. "Is it really worth jeopardizing the current peace with the Federation over this? If anything happens to either of us—"

"What, Captain?" came a smooth voice from behind them. "It seems to me that then everyone would know that the Federation is sending spies into the Demilitarized Zone." The voice was moving around them and shortly another Cardassian came into view. He wasn't as bulky as the two guards, nor was he obviously armed, but he wore the uniform of an officer. Owen couldn't recognize the symbols running down the edging of the uniform, but he knew the shiny gold script indicated a gul.

Owen's eyes followed the gul intently. "My name is Owen Morgan Paris," he told him. "I am the captain of the _Al-Batani_. Our mission was to conduct research on massive compact halo objects near the Hugora Nebula. If you would let me out of these," here he shook his wrists against his shackles, "we could talk about this."

"Oh, _we'll talk_ ," the gul agreed. "I am Gul Roket. And you are going to tell me all about your real mission."

"There is no "real" mission," Owen insisted. "We aren't hiding anything. Let me out of these—"

Roket nodded to the guards and they descended on Owen. One of them pulled a small device out of his waistband, then flicked it on with his thumb. The laser-scalpel glinted menacingly and the guard grinned. True fear settled onto Owen for the first time and he began to pull hard against his shackles. They dug hard into his wrists, but he barely felt it.

"No! What are you doing? No! _Stop_!"

But the guards didn't hesitate. Owen pulled away from the one with the laser-scalpel, but the other came up behind him, wrapping one arm around his neck and the other around his middle. Owen struggled, but the grip on his neck just got tighter. He tried to scream, but only a choked gasp came out. Then there was a hand on his chest, followed by the deep, sharp plunge of the scalpel and Owen was screaming.

Then everything was black.

* * *

The sizzle of the forcefield going down jolted Kathryn awake. It was followed by heavy footfalls, and she rolled over quickly to see the guards entering the cell, Captain Paris between them. They carried him by the upper arms, feet dragging behind them. Then they unceremoniously tossed him towards the pallet, and Paris was barely conscious enough to catch himself, falling hard on the ground next to her. Kathryn's horrified gaze traveled from him to the guards laughing in the doorway. They began to turn away and Kathryn looked hurriedly back at the captain. He was naked and bruised, moaning miserably. Anger burned in the pit of her stomach _. I have to do something._

An electric sizzle told Kathryn the guard had raised the forcefield, and she turned quickly back in their direction. "What did you do to him?" she demanded, standing up and moving towards the forcefield.

"He was uncooperative," the guard on the left offered, not that it actually answered her question.

"Well, he needs medical treatment! Clothes! Water!" The guards stared at her dispassionately.

"The conditions of the holding cell are within the tolerance of humans," the guard on the right replied.

Paris began to cough and Kathryn shook her head in disgust, "He's injured! If you aren't going to treat him, at least give us water and blankets."

The guard huffed in annoyance and they exchanged glances. "Water will be delivered."

Kathryn wanted to scream, but she held her tongue. "Thank you," she managed.

Then the guards retreated down the corridor, and they were left alone in the cell. Turning back towards Captain Paris, Kathryn cringed. He looked terrible. There were bruises on his arms, and his wrists were raw and oozing, with trails of dried blood running down his forearms. His body trembled, but it was too warm for him to be shivering from the cold.

He was hunched forward, curled on his side, and Kathryn knelt next to him and reached out to him tentatively. She laid her hand on his shoulder and he jerked away. "Captain?" she whispered. "It's okay." _What a ridiculous thing to say_. Swallowing, she continued, "They… they're gone. It's just me. Lieutenant Janeway."

The muscles in his back relaxed slightly but he didn't move. Reaching behind her, Kathryn felt for her discarded jacket and laid it over him.

"Thank you." His voice was rough and so soft it was hard to hear.

"Are… are you okay? Sir?" Paris didn't respond, but she needed to know the extent of his injuries. Tugging on his shoulder, he finally rolled over.

When he did, she saw the red, half-healed incision in his chest. "What did they do to you?" she whispered urgently.

His eyes darted around furiously, and she reached forward, hand moving to his cheek and guiding him towards her. When he was finally able to focus on her, he licked his lips. "Lieutenant," he whispered, voice hoarse.

"What did they do?"

His eyes fluttered shut. "I'll be fine… just… water… "

"They said they'd bring some." She automatically began scanning the room again for water, even though she hadn't heard the guards return. To her surprise, she saw one small cup had appeared by the doorway. _They must have beamed it in_. "I'll be right back." After retrieving the sole cup she sat back down next to the captain. "Do you think you can sit up?"

He coughed. "Not much choice." It was slow going, but he was able to sit up and lean against the wall with her help. Once he was up, he reached for the cup.

Watching his trembling hand, Kathryn offered, "Maybe I should help you."

"I'll be fine."

Kathryn nodded and handed him the cup. A little spilled at first, but ultimately more of it got down his throat than his chin.

"Thank you," he rasped.

Once he was finished, Kathryn helped him lie back down on the pallet. He rolled onto his side and curled away from her.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" She knew there wasn't much she could do, but she had to try.

"I'll be fine," he whispered. Knowing the captain, Kathryn suspected he was trying to be reassuring. Then quieter, he continued, "Thank you, Lieutenant."

She nodded and set herself down on the other side of the cell and pulled her knees up to her chest, watching him as he slept. Somehow they were going to get through this. She'd make sure of it.


	3. Chapter 3

They'd been back early in the morning for the captain. The two guards returned, and Paris stood up and followed them out. He couldn't have slept well, huddled mostly naked on the hard pallet and still in pain from whatever it was they'd done to him. But nonetheless, it seemed to have helped, and in the morning, he had stood up without aid and responded promptly to their orders. After the way he'd come back the night before, she was afraid he wouldn't be able to. She felt like she should have felt more encouraged by it, but when he walked out, there was something different about him. His eyes looked haunted, fearful of whatever it was awaiting him. And his shoulders slumped in a way they hadn't the day before.

That terrified her more than anything else. He hadn't told her what they had done to him. But if it could affect Captain Paris this way, she knew it must be terrible.

When the screams started for the second day, Kathryn stood up and began to pace. The first day she'd gotten through purely on adrenaline and hope. But they were still there. No one had come for them. And she had to face the reality that it might take some time. If they were going to get through this, it wouldn't do any good to curl up in a ball and cry.

Whatever happened she wanted to be ready for it. She _needed_ to be ready for it. The captain could be incapacitated and if so, it might come down to her to save them. Unfortunately, there was nothing she could presently do. Being stuck in the cell, waiting, with no way to help, was maddening.

So she paced and she paced and she tried to block out the sounds of his screaming.

A few hours later, she couldn't tell how many, the guards returned. But this time, they didn't return with the captain. Lowering the forcefield, they strode purposefully into the cell.

* * *

When Owen regained consciousness, he automatically tried to stretch his arms out, raw skin scraping painfully against the shackles above his head. He hissed in pain.

"Awake again, I see."

His head snapped up. _No. Not again._ The Cardassian approached slowly, deliberately. His finger caressing the button he held in his palm.

"You know what I want."

Owen shook his head. His body ached. Now the pain was lingering more and more with every shock. _Just a little bit longer,_ he told himself. _The_ Al-Batani _could be here any minute. You just have to make it a little bit longer..._

In front of him, Roket heaved a heavy sigh. "I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, Captain. But you humans… are so stubborn." Owen flinched, expecting another shock, but it never came. Soon enough, he realized why.

"What are you doing? What have you done with the captain? Let go of me!"

At the sound of the voice, Owen's eyes flew open and he looked up to see two more Cardassians entering the room, dragging a struggling Kathryn Janeway between them _. No!_ Once they were inside, they threw her to the ground. She landed hard, unable to get her hands under her in time to catch her fall. As she pulled herself to her knees, the one on the left cuffed her hard against the back of the head and she slammed to the floor again. Owen pulled against his shackles automatically, trying to get to her, and his wrists burned.

The gul tilted his head questioningly at his violent subordinate.

"Bitch tried to bite me."

She slowly pulled herself to her knees again and he saw her wipe a smear of bright red blood from the corner of her mouth. Owen was somewhat relieved to see that she seemed otherwise uninjured.

Roket approached Kathryn, and Owen's body tensed in anticipation. The Cardassian wrenched her up by the hair, making her cry out, and Owen pulled hard against his restraints, ignoring the pain as his wrists began to bleed again. "What are you doing to her?" he demanded.

He held Kathryn tightly by the hair and turned to look at Owen slowly. "You've made it clear that you aren't interested in speaking to us. So we're just going to have to move on. Maybe this one will be more accommodating."

Owen pulled hard against the restraints. "No!"

The Cardassian looked back at Owen, as though surprised by his response. Then he smiled. "Well, we won't have to resort to that," he paused dramatically. "If you just give us what we need."

Kathryn twisted in his grip. "No! Captain! Don't do it! Don't tell them anything!"

But as Owen watched her struggle, he knew he had to. He couldn't let them do to her what they'd done to him. He couldn't let that happen to one of his people. He couldn't do much. But he was her captain. And he'd be _damned_ if they touched her. "I'll tell you what you want to know. Just please… just don't hurt her."

Gul Roket smiled, and Owen's broken body crashed to the floor as his restraints were released.

* * *

Angry tears began to stream down her face as she watched the new Cardassian, some sort of officer, walk towards the captain. Without thinking, she clambered to her feet and began running towards him. She hadn't made it very far when she felt strong hands closing on her arms and she nearly fell to the floor again.

Looking up, she saw the officer nudge him roughly with his foot, and the captain groaned.

"What are you doing?" she screamed. "He said he would cooperate!"

But he paid her no mind. His attention was fixated on the captain, who was trying to pull himself to his knees. They all watched as Paris finally heaved himself into a sitting position and began to rub at his forearms.

"Tell me what the Federation is doing in the Hugora sector."

"Look," Paris began, his voice rough but steady, "I haven't been lying to you. We were conducting scientific research."

"Lies and excuses."

"It's the truth," he breathed, one hand scraping at a ridge of dried blood on his arm.

Roket reached down, hand clenching around Paris' throat until he gasped and sputtered.

"Please! Stop!" Kathryn yelled, pulling against the guards' grip.

"Tell me what the Federation is doing in the Hugora sector," Roket repeated, releasing the captain, who thudded back onto the floor.

"I told you." He coughed. "It's a science mission."

"And spying," Roket snapped.

"Of course it is," Paris replied harshly. "But we are just one science vessel! There're no warships. No stockpiling of weapons. They aren't preparing for any military action."

 _Spying?!_ Kathryn swallowed uncomfortably.

"A convenient story."

"It's the truth!"

"We'll see."

Then he pressed a button in his hand and Kathryn watched as Paris began to scream uncontrollably.

"No! Stop!" she sobbed. "Please!"

Then the screaming stopped and the captain stopped moving.

The Cardassian towered over Paris' crumpled body. He was curled on his side with his bare back to Kathryn and it looked like he was unconscious. The Cardie nudged him experimentally with his foot but this time he didn't move. Then he kicked him, knocking him onto his back. Paris still didn't respond, arms flopping limply over.

The leader, the one standing over Paris, looked at her. "You expect me to believe these lies?"

"They're not lies! It's the truth! Please!"

The Cardassian harrumphed. "I'm not going to believe a bunch of Federation lies meant to make us complacent. He'll give me the information I need." The Cardassian grinned. "Or he won't." Then he pressed the button in his hand again, and Paris jerked awake. He screamed, rolling back and forth in pain as he clawed at his chest.

"No! Stop it! Please!"

But they didn't stop. By the time they were done, Kathryn was hoarse from screaming and trails of dried tears ran down her face. Guards pulled Captain Paris from the ground and Kathryn looked around frantically.

"Wait! What are you doing?"

The only answer was more guards hauling her to her feet. She tried to walk, but the guards were moving too fast and she couldn't get her feet under her. They dragged her and the captain back to the cell together, Paris still unconscious, and Kathryn still struggling ineffectually in their grip.


	4. Chapter 4

Kathryn awoke to the sound of yelling and the thudding of boots. It was dark in the cell and she struggled to make out the shadowy shapes moving around her, but she heard the forcefield come down and then the footfalls were practically on top of her. Instinctively, she rolled away from the noises, sending her colliding into Paris' back. She couldn't make out the voices, the guards apparently not having bothered to turn on their universal translators.

She opened her mouth to ask what was going on, but before she could get anything out, her voice caught in her throat as she was pulled bodily off the ground. On her feet, held between two guards, she regained control of her voice.

"What are you doing? Let go of me!"

The hands on her arms tightened, and began to lead her out of the cell. Turning, she risked a glance behind her, and saw two more guards carrying a very disoriented Captain Paris.

She began running through scenarios to try to come up with a last ditch attempt to fight back, but nothing came to mind. They didn't have any weapons, they were outnumbered two to one, and Paris wouldn't be any help.

Looking around, she realized they were taking them somewhere different. She didn't recognize the corridor they were in.

 _This is it_.

She pulled against the grip of her captors, but they just held on tighter, adding to the bruises already blossoming on her upper arms. One of them snapped a response at her, but she couldn't understand him.

"Where are we going? What are you doing?" she yelled.

Taking another turn, they entered a room she didn't recognize. There was a transporter pad and on the other side of the room, another Cardassian standing behind a console.

She was shoved onto the transporter pad, and she heard Paris grunt as he was dumped next to her. Turning towards the sound, she saw him, groggily raising his head. For a moment, she considered making a run for it. But Paris would never be able to move fast enough, and there were guards everywhere. Grabbing Paris' hand, she steeled herself for whatever awaited them. She'd protect him as long as she could.

Then, they began to dematerialize.

When Kathryn's vision cleared, all she saw was light. The brightness stung her eyes after the relative dark of the dim, nighttime lighting of the Cardassian ship. Blurry shapes came at her and she heard loud voices. Kathryn didn't realize where she was until she heard a familiar voice barking orders.

 _Commander Vega?_

 _The_ Al-Batani _!_

Hands were reaching for her and she let herself be pulled into a standing position. _My ship. Home_. She felt dizzy and overwhelmed. _Safe_.

"Get the Captain to Sickbay!"

Vega's voice penetrated Kathryn's consciousness slowly, but once she was able to process what she was hearing, she flew into action. _Where was he? I have to make sure he's okay!_ Turning back towards the pad, she saw officers in medical blue picking up the captain and she ran towards them.

"Captain! Captain!"

Before she could reach him, she felt hands on her arms, pulling her back. She fought them automatically until she heard Vega's voice.

"Lieutenant!"

 _It's okay_ , she reminded herself, dropping her arms to her sides. _It's not_ them.

"Yes, sir?"

Vega looked at her, hands resting on her shoulders. "I need you to be calm right now, Lieutenant." Kathryn nodded, taking a long breath and focusing on the woman in front of her. "What happened? Do you know what they did to him?"

Kathryn hesitated. "I… I don't know, exactly. There was a device they used to torture him. But I… I don't know what it was." She shook her head, struggling with the memory what she'd seen.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. It's okay now. You did good."

Kathryn tried to nod. Dimly, she heard Vega calling for another one of the medical assistants to take her to Sickbay to be checked out. _Yes. Sickbay. That's where I need to be. The captain…_

When they arrived, Doctor Castillo and three medical assistants were surrounding Captain Paris on a biobed. He'd been covered with a blanket and they were scanning him and speaking in low, hushed voices.

The medical assistant directed her to another biobed, but all her attention was on the captain.

"How is he?" she asked.

"I don't know, Lieutenant. I'm sure the doctor will do everything he can to take care of him. Now let's just sit down right here. Please."

Kathryn nodded numbly and let herself be led. The medical assistant quickly determined that she had suffered no major injury and went about healing her split lip and the bruises on her arms, but she didn't pay much attention. She was busy watching the captain on the other side of the room. When he was finished, Kathryn was ordered back to her quarters to rest.

The rest of the medical team was still working on the captain when she left. Her gaze lingered on him as she stood in the doorway, then she forced herself to turn away.

Getting back to her quarters was a blur.

Once she was there, she felt lost and numb and confused, and she just stood in the middle of the room without doing anything for several minutes. Eventually she looked down, realizing that she was still wearing the same dirty, rumpled uniform she'd been wearing for the last three days. Suddenly horrified, she quickly stripped naked, shoving the clothes roughly into the 'fresher.

Then she collapsed to her knees and began to sob.

* * *

When she woke up, there was a message from the commander waiting for her on her console.

She spent the morning (or was it afternoon?) with Commander Vega, being debriefed on what happened. After she was done, the commander filled her in on the other side of things. When the _Al-Batani_ had detected an unusual amount of activity on the border, they'd gotten concerned and tried to check in with the shuttle a day early. When they realized it was missing, they'd immediately contacted the Cardassians. Promises had had to be made to secure release of the "prisoners," but an agreement had been reached and she and the captain had been released.

When they were done, she asked if she could see the captain. Vega said no.

"He's not awake. He'll be recovering for a while, Lieutenant."

She nodded. "I know that. I just… after what happened… I'd just feel better if I could see him."

Vega let out a sigh. "If Doctor Castillo approves."

So she'd gone down to Sickbay.

The doctor had given her a hesitant look when she first explained what she was there for, but he eventually agreed to let her stay and brought out a chair for her to sit in for a while.

She sat in that chair for hours. Whenever a leg or foot fell asleep, she'd shift and reposition herself, but she didn't leave.

"Lieutenant Janeway, maybe you should return to your quarters. Get some rest."

Kathryn jerked awake at the sound of the voice behind her. She looked up at Doctor Castillo with a weak smile as he approached the biobed. "I'm fine. I just… I need to know he's okay."

"As I've already told you, he's going to be fine." The doctor walked around the edge of the biobed and held out a tricorder, scanning it over the captain's unconscious body. "His injuries have been treated and his prognosis is good. But his body needs rest." Finishing his scan, he looked up at her with almost fatherly concern. "So does yours."

Kathryn turned back to Captain Paris' still form. He didn't move, but his chest rose and fell with his breaths, almost imperceptibly. He looked so peaceful. _So quiet_. She took a breath. "I'm sure you're right. I'll… I'll get some rest."

* * *

Since that time, Kathryn had been off duty. Commander Vega had already informed her it would stay that way until they returned to Earth. While she was physically healthy, having been spared the attention that the captain had received at the hands of the Cardassians, the commander hadn't wanted Kathryn to be put under any stress until she was cleared by a counselor. And on a mission as short as theirs was supposed to be, they didn't have one on board.

But after two days, all that free time was getting to her. She ate, she slept, she got some exercise on the holodeck. She'd tried to read, but hadn't been successful. Ultimately, she always ended up in the same place.

Shifting her legs underneath her, she resettled herself in the uncomfortable chair next to the biobed. She heaved a sigh and pulled her PADD out, absentmindedly thinking about taking a look at some of the data they'd collected before the Cardassians had abducted them.

"Lieu— Lieutenant." The voice was barely more than a soft croak, but her head whipped up so fast, anyone watching would have thought he'd screamed it.

"Captain!" She was on her feet in a heartbeat, dropping her PADD to the floor without a second thought. Owen turned his head slowly to look at her, blue eyes opening for the first time in several days. Kathryn swallowed. "Are you alright, sir? How are you feeling?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His forehead creased. "I don't know. I feel… groggy."

She nodded. "You've been out a while." He tried to smile at her, but then he made a pained face and started to cough. Kathryn rested a hand on his shoulder and called for the doctor.

Owen sat up with a grimace and pushed her hand away. Their eyes met and he paused. "It's okay. I'm… I'm fine now," he tried to reassure her. She just nodded.

"Captain!" the doctor called out cheerfully. "Glad to see you finally awake. How are you feeling? Any pain? Tingling? Numbness?" The doctor approached quickly and pulled his tricorder out.

"I'm fine," he answered shortly. The doctor gave him an exasperated look and scanned him with the tricorder. Looking dissatisfied with the readout, he reached towards the captain. He paused and waited for the captain to respond before touching him. Receiving a short nod, the doctor poked gently at the captain's body.

"How does this feel?"

Paris grunted unhappily as the doctor poked and prodded him, but didn't seem to be expressing any substantive pain until he got to his chest. Then Doctor Castillo palpated his chest, just below the collarbone, and Paris cried out in pain and surprise.

Castillo gestured upwards with his head and Owen sighed and began to remove his shirt. Kathryn flushed at the sight. Once the shirt was removed, the doctor reached towards him again, near where he'd originally prodded. The incision on his chest still looked fresh and red and when he put pressure anywhere near it, Paris winced.

Kathryn wondered if she should leave, but her curiosity was piqued. "Why—why haven't you healed it?"

Captain Paris and Dr. Castillo looked up at her and she flushed again, uncomfortable with the implicit acknowledgement that she'd been watching her half-naked mentor undress, her sense of propriety suddenly back in full force now that they weren't prisoners. "You should go now, Lieutenant," Castillo said. "I need to treat my patient."

Before Kathryn could speak, Paris interjected. "It's okay, Leo. She can stay."

The doctor shrugged and took his tricorder back out, focusing on the area near the scar. "It's where they put the implant."

"The—the implant?"

The doctor and Captain Paris looked at each other for a moment. "It's how they administered— "

"It's how they tortured me." Paris' voice was harsh.

A chill ran through her, but she tried to focus on something else. She looked back at the doctor. "So why haven't you healed it?"

"I need to make sure the nerves have healed properly before we repair the skin." He looked up at the captain. "It's a good sign that you have feeling. The area doesn't seem to be permanently damaged, at least not beyond our abilities to heal it. But the nerves are very inflamed."

Paris nodded. He paused for a moment, then looked from the doctor to Kathryn. "Lieutenant Janeway, can you tell me what happened? I don't… remember much."

"Oh." She paused, having no idea what he expected her to tell him. Did he remember the torture? Had his brain somehow blocked out the memory? "Um… "

"How were we rescued?" he clarified. Doctor Castillo pressed a hypo against his neck, then he shook himself as it moved through his body. Looking a little more comfortable, he looked back up at Kathryn.

"Commander Vega came after us when they noticed unusual activity on the border. She was able to negotiate for our release. She got us back in return for a promise that we wouldn't broadcast the fact that they had moved into Federation space." He nodded and Kathryn continued. "So after all… after _that_ , we were just suddenly beamed out and returned to the _Al-Batani_. Like nothing had happened." She'd been furious when they'd let the Cardassians go, her righteous rage, stoked by extreme frustration at her helplessness in the face of Paris' torture, demanding punishment.

He laid back down on the biobed and reached out to squeeze Kathryn's hand. She was surprised, but didn't pull away. "But they didn't hurt you?" he asked.

The rage was gone in a heartbeat. She nodded and squeezed back. "They didn't hurt me," she assured him. _Because of you._


	5. Chapter 5

Owen Paris leaned back in his bed and tried to relax. A parade of medical staff had come through the room to check on him and monitor him since their arrival at Starfleet Medical, and he'd had about all he could take. He'd barely been out of bed in days, and being moved off of the _Al-Batani_ that morning didn't count. As it was, he didn't think he could tolerate another person coming to poke and prod him and ask him if he was feeling okay.

He let out a long sigh and closed his eyes. He tried to release some of the tension in his body, but it was hard when every time he closed his eyes, he saw the dark, scaly visage of his Cardassian tormentor. But he tried to push it out of his head. Nothing had ever stopped him before, and he wasn't planning to let this start now.

"Owen?"

His eyes flew open, and he sat up at the familiar voice, spotting his wife standing nervously in the doorway. Owen smiled at her broadly and Julia sagged in relief, returning his smile and rushing into the room, all but throwing herself into his arms. Julia clutched him tightly. "Oh god, Owen. They said something happened. I was so afraid," she whispered.

He returned the hug, comforted by his wife's familiar embrace. "I missed you," he whispered.

Julia let out a small sob and clutched him tighter. When he tried to pull back, she clung to him and the longer she held on, the more uncomfortable he started to become. He tried to ignore the feeling, but when he started to feel light-headed, he pushed Julia off of him.

Once she realized what he was doing, she pulled back and sat on the edge of the bed. He saw a flash of hurt in her eyes but she swallowed it. She reached out hesitantly and he nodded to let her know it was okay to take his hand. She laced her fingers through his and he leaned back again, giving her a reassuring smile.

Julia smiled at him sadly. "I'm so glad you're okay. They wouldn't tell us what happened." She sounded somewhat indignant, and Owen couldn't help smiling a little at Julia's tone. The Paris family wasn't used to getting the runaround at Starfleet. Although Julia had never been in Starfleet, both of her parents had been, following a family tradition stretching back to her great-grandmother. She'd grown up with Starfleet, _lived_ Starfleet, all her life. She knew everyone worth knowing. And she knew that the family name carried power, which she made use of when she thought it was necessary. Unfortunately for her, it wasn't always enough. She squeezed his hand and looked at him expectantly but he didn't say anything. He didn't quite know what to say.

"I'll tell you everything." _Not everything_. "Soon. I'm exhausted."

Julia accepted his words with a nod then turned around, calling out to their son in the hallway. "Tom! Come on in. It's okay. Your dad's okay."

Their son came into the room. He had the lanky body of a teenage boy who had grown too much in the last year. He was already slightly taller than his father, with the same blond hair and bright blue eyes. He looked at his father nervously. "Dad? You're okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine." He knew he wasn't fine, but he would be, soon enough. And there was really no reason to worry his family unnecessarily.

Julia smiled and pulled Tom down next to her on the bed. She squeezed his hand in one hand and Owen's in the other. She smiled. "It's so good to finally have both of my boys here with me."

Owen smiled. "It is nice to be back," he replied. He looked up at Tom. "So, how's school going?"

* * *

Kathryn knocked softly on the door to the captain's room. She was surprised to hear voices coming from inside.

There was silence for a moment, then she heard Captain Paris' voice. "Come in."

Opening the door, she saw Paris in bed, surrounded by his family. She'd met Julia and Tom on several occasions while at the Academy, but even if she hadn't it would be obvious who they were. Julia was perched on the edge of the bed, with her hand on her husband's arm. And Tom, with his mother's slender build and elegant features, and his father's coloring, couldn't have been the son of anyone else. Julia had brown skin and green eyes, and her long, dark hair was pulled back, a few loose curls escaping to frame her face. Kathryn knew she was a professor at Berkeley, and had found the woman to have a warm and open countenance that complemented her husband's more reserved demeanor.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll come back later." Kathryn turned to leave, but Julia's voice stopped her.

"It's not a problem, we were actually just leaving," Julia said. "We've been here all afternoon and Tom has homework to finish." Kathryn watched as she leaned in over her husband. She kissed him softly on the cheek and squeezed his hand and Owen gave her an appreciative smile. Then she and Tom left, passing by Kathryn, who stood awkwardly next to the door.

Once they were gone, she looked up at Owen. "I'm sorry, Captain Paris, I didn't mean to interrupt or make your family leave… "

He waved away her concerns. "It's no problem. They were leaving already." He smiled a little and Kathryn was relieved to see it.

"Well, I just wanted to check on you. After what happened, I… I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm as well as can be expected, I suppose."

Kathryn nodded, but she didn't feel very relieved. She'd just finished her official debriefing with Starfleet Command, and having to recount her helplessness in the face of Owen's pain and anguish had left her feeling frustrated and guilty.

"Kathryn... there's nothing you could have done."

Her head snapped up, her automatic dissent dying her lips. The problem was, he was right and she knew it. She looked down and swallowed before meeting his eyes again. "I know that. Logically, I know that," she insisted. "But somehow it doesn't make me feel any better."

Paris gave her an encouraging smile. "It never does. But that's a part of the burden we bear as Starfleet officers. It doesn't get easier when you become a captain."

"A- a captain?"

"You'd make a great captain, someday."

Kathryn flushed with pleasure at his endorsement. Then she nodded and clasped her hands nervously behind her back. "Well, I should probably go. I'm glad you're recovering." She tried to leave for the second time, only to be surprised by his voice behind her, encouraging her to stay.

"Actually, I could use some company."

She stared intently at her mentor's face and tried not to remember what it had sounded like when he'd screamed. "I understand," she whispered.

The corners of his mouth turned up a little and Kathryn moved to sit down at the chair next to the bed.

* * *

Two hours later, Kathryn finally left the captain's room. They'd mostly sat quietly while he rested and Kathryn read. It had been surprisingly relaxing to sit with him. But eventually Paris told her to go home and get some rest and while Kathryn was reluctant, she wasn't going to disagree with her commanding officer.

Kathryn finally got back to her apartment, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and not leave for a long time. She set her bag down by the door and was greeted by her boyfriend's voice coming from the living room.

"Kathryn!" Ethan rose from the couch and ran to her, pulling her into his arms and holding her tightly. She returned his hug gratefully, standing on her tiptoes to reach her arms around his neck. "They said you were back, but then you didn't show up, and I was starting to worry."

Guilt twisted into a knot in her stomach. She'd started to contact him several times since she'd returned to Earth, but something always came up to interrupt her. "I'm so sorry, Ethan. I just-"

"No, no," he interrupted. "It's fine, Katie." He pulled back from the embrace and clasped her upper arms, smiling in relief. "I was just worried. But you're here now."

She sighed in relief. She didn't particularly want to explain the time she'd spent in the captain's hospital room. It seemed silly now.

He gave her arms a squeeze before letting go. "So… you're okay? They told us that you were captured and that you were alive, but that's it. I've been so worried."

"I- yeah, I guess I'm okay. I'm… they didn't hurt me."

"Thank god." Fresh relief washed over him. He fidgeted, not seeming to know what to do with his hands. 'I… Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do to help? I don't really know what to do in this situation."

Kathryn laughed, shaking her head, but there was little mirth in her voice. "Me neither." Ethan wasn't always the best at dealing with people or knowing what to do in social situations. He was always more comfortable in front of an antimatter converter than he was dealing with another person, and she'd often teased him about it in the past. "I think I can cut you some slack this time."

He smiled appreciatively. "Do you want to talk about it?"

" _No_." It came out a little more forceful than she'd meant it to. She swallowed and continued more calmly, "I'm much too worn out for that right now. I just need some rest, I think."

Ethan nodded and pulled her back into his arms. She resisted at first, surprised by the sudden movement. "I think I can make that happen," he murmured to the top of her head. Kathryn let out a sigh and let herself melt against him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest, and they stood quietly together in the entryway until Kathryn finally pulled away.

* * *

When she woke up, it was to the smell of coffee. She stretched and sat up, hearing Ethan bustling around their small apartment. He came into the bedroom with a tray, bearing coffee, toast, and jam.

"That looks wonderful, Ethan." Kathryn wasn't usually much of a breakfast person - coffee was the only true requisite - but it really did look appealing.

"I replicated the toast, but the jam is your mother's. Homemade."

She looked at Ethan with a sincere smile. "Thank you." He placed the tray across her lap and she immediately grabbed for the coffee, appreciatively inhaling the pungent scent. She took a sip and felt some of the tension drain from her body.

Ethan sat down next to the bed, and she could feel his eyes on her. She felt uneasy under his gaze so she distracted herself by taking another sip of the coffee. When she set the mug back down, he was still staring at her and she glanced up at him hesitantly.

He opened his mouth but nothing came out at first. _Here it comes_ …

"Katie… I don't really know where to start. I—"

"I don't really want to talk about it." It came out harsher than she'd intended, so she continued, "Not now." _Not ever_.

Ethan sighed. "I just want to help you, Katie. Maybe if you talked about what happened—"

"Look, Ethan," she snapped, enunciating each word, "if you want to help me right now, then you can _give me some time_."

He stared at her silently for a moment, as though her words were processing in his head. She knew she was being rude, but after the week she had, she thought she deserved a little leeway. Then he nodded. "Okay. I can… I can give you some time."

Kathryn let out a breath. "Thanks."

Standing up, he moved to the edge of the bed. For the first time, she realized that he was already in his Starfleet uniform. "I'm supposed to go into work today. Are you okay without me? Do you need anything?"

"No, I'll be fine. You go," she insisted.

He hesitated for a moment then nodded once and gave her hand a squeeze. "Okay, I'll see you tonight."

Kathryn nodded in return and gave him a small smile, but she found she couldn't relax fully until she was alone.


	6. Chapter 6

"Tell me what happened."

The voice was calm. Measured. But the words clenched in Owen's chest like a vise. He took several deep breaths before responding, "It… was just supposed to be an ordinary mission. We were studying massive compact halo objects. My science officer and I took a shuttle out to get closer." Owen didn't mention the real purpose of the mission: retrieving data from hidden communication modules the Federation had placed to spy on the Cardassians. But it wasn't really relevant anyway. When they'd been captured, he and Lieutenant Janeway had simply been collecting data on stellar phenomena.

 _Poor Kathryn_ … She'd been the perfect choice for the mission. She was bright and dedicated, and an expert on massive compact halo objects. It had been the subject of her thesis, one he'd helped her with while she'd been at the Academy. Of course, when he'd chosen her to come along, he couldn't have anticipated what would happen. But despite the dire circumstances, she'd performed admirably. He just hoped the experience didn't cause her to reconsider her future with Starfleet.

"And then what happened?"

Owen took another breath. Swallowed. He'd been through this once already. Starfleet had debriefed him shortly after he'd arrived at Starfleet Medical. As soon as they knew he was stable, they'd questioned him thoroughly, desperate for any information they could get on the Cardassians. But it didn't make it any easier this time around. "It seemed like they came out of nowhere." He paused. "I mean, that probably isn't true. There were just the two of us. And we were busy reviewing the data. But then they were on us." Owen felt his heart start beating faster.

"You don't have to continue."

"It's fine. I'm fine," he insisted. "They came out of nowhere. They hit us with something. I—I don't know what. But the ship went spinning. Kathryn was knocked out. I fell. I… I must have hit something… I don't know what happened after that. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a dark cell." The room he was in, painted a very calming, warm taupe, and decorated with a painting that reminded Owen of a calm sea, began to feel too small.

"Would you like some water?"

 _God_ , that damned voice. So many damned _questions_. He fought the sudden impulse to haul the counselor off and hit him square in the face. "I'm fine!" he rumbled, then shook himself. _Control yourself, Owen!_

The counselor stared at him calmly. "Okay." He tapped out something on his PADD. "Mr. Paris, why do you think- "

"It's _Captain_ ," Owen corrected.

The counselor nodded amicably. Another notation was entered on the PADD.

 _Tell me what you know._

Owen's head jerked up. "What?!" he demanded. He felt the vise closing tighter on his chest. _No, please_...

The counselor's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "I just want to know what happened. You said you were placed in a cell- "

"No," Owen pressed, shaking his head. "What did you _say_?"

"I was just asking- "

 _Tell me what you know._

"No, I heard it!" His chest was tightening again, and Owen struggled against it, taking measured breaths.

"Owen- Captain Paris... Are you okay?" The counselor's voice sounded far away, the blood pounding in Owen's ears drowning out everything else. He realized he was gripping the armrests of the chair so tightly that his knuckles were turning white.

 _Tell me what you know!_

Owen squeezed his eyes shut and leaned forward, finally ripping his hands from the armrests and running them over his face before clenching in his short blond hair, elbows planted firmly on his knees. He thought the counselor might be speaking again, but he wasn't sure. The pounding in his ears was now matched by a pulsing in his chest; a painful throb where the implant had been.

 _NO NO NO NO NO!_

Owen wasn't sure if he had actually spoken or if it was just in his head, he just knew he wanted it to _stop_.

 _We've tried to be reasonable, I'm sorry it has to come to this..._

And then his whole body was on fire, radiating out from the site of the implant, and Owen was screaming.

The next thing he knew, he was on the ground. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times before the counselor swam into his vision. Eventually, he realized the counselor was speaking to him.

"Captain Paris, can you hear me? Do you think you can sit up?"

His body was slow to respond, but he was eventually able to sit upright. The spot under his collarbone, where the implant had been, continued to tingle unpleasantly. Owen breathed in and out slowly. The voice was gone.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, but he didn't turn towards the counselor. He stared at the carpet, focusing on his breathing. The hand squeezed gently on his shoulder.

"I know it's going to be hard. You have a long road ahead of you. But you _are_ going to be okay. I promise."

All Owen could do was nod.

* * *

A week later Kathryn was settling back into regular life. She arrived home after her first day back at work and hung her bag by the door.

Toeing off her shoes, she called out "I'm home!" She thought she heard Ethan try to respond, but she couldn't quite make it out. She immediately made her way to the other side of the apartment, where their office was. It was the most likely place for him to be. The door slid open at her command and she peaked her head in.

"Hey! I thought I heard you come in," he called in her direction. "What do you want to eat tonight? I was thinking chicken or pot roast."

"We just had chicken the other night."

Ethan looked up at her with a smile. "Pot roast it is then." Turning back to his screen, he continued, "Can you program the replicator for it?"

"Me?!" Kathryn whined. "You know what happened last time I tried to prepare dinner."

Ethan rolled his eyes. "I don't know how you can mess up replicated food, Kathryn. Anyway, I'm nearly done. You just get started, and I'll be out soon."

With a sigh, Kathryn turned back towards the kitchen, leaving Ethan alone to finish his work. On another day, she might have been annoyed at Ethan's insistence that she help with dinner on a day he'd been working from home, but she was glad he'd stopped acting like her experience had somehow robbed her of the ability to perform basic tasks. Besides, pot roast couldn't be that hard, could it?

Kathryn was putting the plates on the table when Ethan joined her in the kitchen. The pot roast was… only somewhat blackened. She was pretty sure she'd been able to cut off all of the burned edge, but the smell of char lingered in the kitchen. They both sat down and Ethan immediately asked her how her day had been.

"I don't even know," she replied, putting down her fork. "Frustrating." Light duty at headquarters was the last place she wanted to be.

"Why? What happened?"

"Nothing happened! That's the problem." _Somewhere near the Demilitarized Zone,_ she thought, _Roket's ship was still out there and no one was doing anything about it_ …

Ethan looked at her, confused. "Really? You are complaining about being _bored_? After what happened?"

Her anger flashed at the thought that he was accusing her of not taking what happened seriously. _That's not what he means_ , she reassured herself, pushing down the feeling. "I just feel… useless right now. I could be doing more." _Like blasting Roket's ship to spacedust._

Ethan reached out to take her hand in his. "Kathryn, I know this is difficult, but you should take advantage of this. It's not going to be forever. You should enjoy the break while you can. You deserve it."

"I suppose." She shook herself. "You are probably right. Everything… is just kind of confused right now."

He squeezed her hand. "I bet." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "You know, maybe you should take some time to think about what you really want. What your next step is. You don't want to rush into the wrong thing."

Kathryn smiled and squeezed back. "You're right. I promise I'll try to relax and take some time to think."

* * *

After his first rather disastrous counseling session, Owen was taken back to his room and given a hypo to help him sleep. When he awoke the next morning, he was feeling much better. At least until his doctors came by to discuss his recovery.

"What do you mean, I'm not going home yet? I thought we discussed this yesterday."

The doctor on the right, a Vulcan woman in a blue Starfleet medical uniform named T'Pret, interrupted him. "We believed that your nerves were regenerating adequately, however, the tests performed yesterday suggested otherwise."

The human man on the left, Dr. Abiko, picked up where she left off. "Unfortunately, we just don't know much about the technology that did this to you. Your recovery has been more complicated than anticipated. Regeneration suddenly slowed yesterday, and frankly, we don't know why. You're going to have to stay until we can figure out the problem and speed things along, or wait it out."

Owen laid back against the half-reclined bed and rubbed his eyes. "How long?"

Dr. Abiko sighed, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Captain, but we just don't know."

Then Dr. T'Pret piped up. "Captain, your own recovery is not the only concern here. We have very little data on the effects of this Cardassian technology. The more data Starfleet can collect during your recovery, the better that we will be able to respond to such injuries in the future.

Owen dropped his head back on the bed and finally opened his eyes. "You are right, of course. Do what you have to do." Then he saw someone behind them, standing quietly in the doorway. He sat up quickly, worried about what she might have heard. "Julia!"

The doctors turned around, took in Julia's presence, and then turned back to Owen. "We will return again tomorrow to discuss your progress," Dr. T'Pret told him. And with that, both left.

Once they were gone, Julia came in and sat on the edge of Owen's bed. She gave him a small smile. "How are you feeling today?"

"Better," he replied. It was accurate, if incomplete. "How are Kathleen and Moira?" he asked, changing the subject.

Julia's smile widened a little. "Good. They are both arriving in San Francisco later today. They'll be by for a visit, tonight at the latest."

Owen smiled. "I look forward to it. I haven't seen Moira since she started college. How's her first year going?"

"Oh, she's in heaven. She gets to spend all her time doing art. Talking about art. Viewing art. Critiquing art."

"Sounds terrible," Owen laughed.

Julia chuckled. "Well, she loves it."

"I'm glad."

They both fell silent. Then Julia cleared her throat. "So, you aren't coming home yet."

"I guess not." He wondered again how much Julia had heard in the doorway. "Are… are the girls worried? Is Tom?"

"No." She shook her head. "I told them you were fine. But… _I'm_ worried. What happened to you? I heard the doctors, Owen. They said something about nerve damage…"

As though on cue, the spot under his collarbone, where the implant had been, twinged, then radiated down his left arm. He stretched his fingers out then made a fist, trying ineffectually to work out the lingering tingle in his extremities. "Everything will be fine, I just need a little more time to heal," he reassured her. "I know… I know you want the whole story. But I just can't. Not right now. I've already had to be debriefed multiple times since I've been back. I'm worn out."

Julia reached out and squeezed his hand. "Okay. You just have to let me know what you need. Whatever it is, I'm here for you."

Owen smiled weakly, squeezing back. "Thanks."

* * *

Adjusting the strap of her bag, Kathryn pushed through the crowd milling about the ground floor of Starfleet headquarters. Though people worked on a variety of projects around the clock, the majority worked a conventional schedule performing the many administrative duties necessary to ensure the proper functioning of an organization of the scope and mission of Starfleet.

At ten minutes past seventeen hundred hours, those people were all in the process of leaving the sprawling structure that made up the headquarters, including Kathryn.

As she entered the lobby and headed for the main entrance, Kathryn started at the sound of her name. Looking up, she saw someone heading in the opposite direction, against the crowd.

"Jhanvi!" Kathryn smiled at her friend. They'd been friends since the beginning of their Academy years, but since they'd graduated, their contact had been mostly limited to subspace communication. They'd been posted on different ships, and it had been more than a year since she'd seen Jhanvi in person. They both quickly moved out of the way of the passing throng.

Jhanvi hugged her. "It's so good to see you!"

"You too! What are you doing now? Working late?"

"The _Venture_ is departing tomorrow. So it's all hands on deck getting all the last minute preparations taken care of. What about you? I thought the _Al-Batani_ had another month before you were due back."

Kathryn's stomach twisted into a heavy knot. "We… ran into some trouble. The mission had to get cut short."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! Is everyone okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, everyone is fine," Kathryn insisted. "But I'm not sure when we'll be able to get back out there."

Jhanvi sighed. "Well, I hate to go, but I really do need to go finish transporting all our equipment onto the ship. I don't know if you've heard, but there's been some unusual activity near the Demilitarized Zone. We've been ordered to keep an eye on things."

Kathryn's stomach twisted unpleasantly. _You don't say_.

Jhanvi brightened, oblivious to Kathryn's inner thoughts. "Anyway, I'll see you around?"

"Of course." Kathryn smiled. "Next time we're both in San Francisco, we'll have to get coffee."

"Perfect." Jhanvi squeezed her upper arm with one hand, then continued on her way down the hallway, against the flow of people still leaving the building.

As she watched her friend go, Kathryn sighed heavily. _She's going on a mission. Doing something important. Keeping the Federation safe. And what am I doing? Light duty in a science lab_. As the week had progressed, she'd felt more and more restless. She desperately needed to _do_ something. But she hadn't realized just how much she wanted to back in space until she'd heard Jhanvi was going.

 _That's ridiculous_ , she told herself. _No reasonable person would want to go back. Not after what happened_. But despite her internal admonishment, she _did_ want to go back to space. She wanted it desperately.


	7. Chapter 7

Owen Paris finally returned home on an unseasonably warm and sunny afternoon in December. The sky was clear, and the sun shone cheerily through the branches in his front yard, casting an orange glow as it moved lower in the sky. He and Julia walked up the front steps together, her hand never leaving his arm.

Once he was inside, he pulled gently from Julia's grasp, giving her hand a squeeze and heading for his office. He couldn't even imagine the number of messages that must have built up while he was at Starfleet Medical. They'd forbidden him from working in an attempt to reduce his stress. But to him, that familiar stress was almost comforting. Maybe the restlessness that had plagued him the last week would finally pass if he just got back to work.

Sitting alone in his office, Owen felt more relaxed than he had since he'd been returned to the _Al-Batani_. Turning on his viewscreen, he settled in, ready to put in some time before dinner. The screen was quickly populated by row after row of messages.

He felt like he'd only just begun to put a dent in the backlog when Julia came in to tell him she'd made dinner. Another day he might have waved away the invitation in favor of work, but he knew he was supposed to be taking things easy. And he was determined to follow the counselor's advice. He had to do this _right_. Then things could go back to normal.

When he sat down at the table, he realized that there were only two places set. "Where's Tom?" Owen asked.

Julia sat down across from him. "I told him to go to Charlie's tonight. I thought it might be a little easier this way. Give us some time to ourselves."

 _Not normal yet._

"To talk?" he asked, somewhat suspiciously.

"Whatever you need. But… yeah. That seems like a good place to start."

"You know I can't always talk about my work-" The excuse came almost automatically from his lips.

Julia's face hardened and she shook her head. "I do not have time for that Starfleet protocol bullshit, Owen. Not right now." Then she softened. "I just need to know what happened to my husband. You haven't been yourself at all this week."

Owen frowned and sagged in his seat. He knew Julia deserved an explanation of what happened. He'd pled too tired, too worn out, and not ready all week. And she'd been nothing but supportive. He suspected his counselor would tell him it would be good to talk about. _Well, here goes._

He took a deep breath but found he couldn't look her in the face. He poked aimlessly at his salad with a fork. "We… Kathryn - my science officer - and I—"

"Kathryn?" Julia asked, surprised. "The one that visited?"

Owen nodded. "We were in a shuttle when we were… attacked."

"I suspected," she murmured. "After what the doctors said. But I hoped I was wrong." She rubbed her neck nervously. "Cardassians?"

Owen hesitated before finally nodding. Julia's cheek twitched. "We were captured. Briefly."

"Captured!" Her barely controlled facade was replaced by a moment of open panic. Then she hesitated. "Briefly? What do you mean, 'briefly'?" She'd been trying to stay calm, but it was clear her resolve was starting to fail.

"A… a couple days. I think." Owen heard the clink of Julia's silverware on the table as she gave up trying to eat.

She was quiet for a long time as Owen continued to poke at his food. Finally, she spoke again, her voice soft and her words halting. "What did they do?"

Owen rubbed automatically at his collarbone. He hated hearing the fear in her voice; he was desperate to make it stop, to protect her and spare her the trauma he had been through. But what was he supposed to tell her? And how would she react?

When he didn't continue, Julia did, her voice stronger now. "Were you injured when they attacked?"

Owen shook his head.

"When you were rescued?"

He shook his head again.

Julia frowned. "What, then?"

Owen looked up, finally finding Julia's eyes. "They wanted information."

He saw the moment she understood. Her eyes widened and her cheek twitched again. A moment later, the twinkle of breaking glass told him she'd dropped her wine glass, but he didn't see it. He was fixated on her expression. A choked sob escaped her lips and she tried to swallow it. She ignored the glass on the floor.

Owen couldn't bear it any longer. "Julia, it's okay. Really. Everything is fine now." His chest began to feel tight, but he ignored it.

Julia squeezed her eyes shut and took several deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She blinked, and tears escaped the corners of her eyes, slowly sliding down onto her cheeks.

"Come here." Owen stood up and moved around the table, pulling his wife into his arms. She let him pull her out of her chair, burying her head in his chest as she began to cry. He held her in his arms, stroking her hair and her back, ignoring the broken glass behind her and the dull, throbbing pain in his chest.

* * *

" _Tell me what you are hiding, Captain."_

 _Owen opened his eyes, struggling to focus on the greyish-green face of his captor. His arm twitched and pain shot down his arm again but he didn't cry out. "The Federation has nothing to hide." His words were slow and deliberate and he stared directly into Roket's eyes as he said them._

 _The Cardassian smiled, then there was a small movement, barely more than a twitch of the fingers, and blinding pain shot through Owen's body. His screams echoed off the walls and his feet gave out, dropping his full weight on his wrists. No matter what he did, he couldn't get his feet back under him. His legs spasmed violently as jolts of fire continued to run through his body, radiating out from the incision in his chest._

 _He heard Roket's voice. "Tell me what you are hiding."_

" _The Federation has nothing to hide."_

 _The pain was back in an instant and he could barely hear Roket over the blood pounding in his ears._

" _Tell me what you are hiding!"_

" _The Federations has nothing to hide! The Federation has nothing to hide!_

 _TheFederationhasnothingtohide!_

 _THEFEDERATIONHASNOTHINGTO-"_

Owen awoke with a scream and he bolted upright, breathing hard. He felt something on his arm and he jerked away violently.

"Owen! Owen, are you okay? Owen!" The voice sounded distant and he tried to shake the memory away. _It's over. It's okay_. But then he felt the Cardassian's grip on his arm and he lashed out on instinct, jerking his arm away before throwing his fist back towards his assailant as hard as he could.

Julia's cry of pain finally snapped him back into the present.

Forcing his eyes to focus on his surroundings, Owen saw her on the far side of their bed, rubbing her shoulder tenderly. Guilt flooded through him. "Oh no, Julia— I'm so sorry- are you okay?"

She looked back at him, and he could tell she was unsettled. "I… I'm fine. I'm okay," she insisted. _She doesn't think you can handle it. She doesn't think you can handle the fact that she's hurting too._ The guilt twisted in his stomach, fighting for dominance with the terror that still hadn't fully passed following the nightmare. It had been so real too. He shook himself, trying to push the haze of painful memories out of his mind. He struggled to shake the pain in his wrist, even though he knew it was long healed. Owen came to a decision. "I'm sorry. I should go. I… I'll just sleep in Kathleen's room."

"Owen, no." She reached out for his arm, and Owen swallowed, remembering the warm scaly fingers of Roket closing down on his arm. "You don't need to do that," she insisted. Owen pushed Roket out of his mind and tried to focus on his wife in front of him.

"No. It's okay. I'll be fine. I… I've been sleeping alone all week, haven't I? I'll be fine." Even as the words left his mouth, he knew he didn't want to leave. But he couldn't bear to admit how much he was struggling. And he didn't want her pity.

" _No_ , Owen. Don't go. It's okay. Let me help you."

The guilt and terror receded somewhat, replaced by a wave of comfort and love. He reached for Julia's hand, giving it an appreciative squeeze.

"Lay back down," she whispered. He complied, laying down on his side and pulling the blankets back over his chest. Julia slid in behind him, curling against his back and pressing her cheek between his shoulders.

But her touch didn't bring the comfort he expected. He felt hot and claustrophobic, and he wanted to push her away. He tried to shift in her arms, resettling himself repeatedly. She obliged him, letting him find a new position, then sliding in next to him and holding him. But nothing helped. Owen stayed in her arms, restless and awake, until Julia fell asleep.

* * *

Owen never really fell back to sleep after that. He drifted into a light sleep sometime after five, but it didn't last long. Finally giving up, he stretched, reaching for his wife, but he was surprised to find that he was alone in bed.

Ignoring the pang of abandonment, he climbed out of bed and grabbed his robe, pulling it on quickly and heading for the kitchen.

Julia was seated at the large island in the middle of the room, staring at the coffee in her hands. She was still dressed in her robe and she'd pulled her long dark hair back into a simple braid. When he entered the room, she looked up. "Hey."

"Good morning." They stared at each other in silence for a moment until Owen broke the silence. "Is there more coffee?"

Julia nodded towards the counter behind her. "There's more in that carafe. I replicated a whole pot. I think I'm going to need it today."

He nodded in acknowledgement and moved to the counter, pulling a clean mug from the cabinet and filling it from the carafe. "I'm sorry if I kept you up."

She looked up at him as he moved to sit next to her, coffee now in hand. "It's okay. I think I can handle a little sleep loss. Especially after what you went through."

Owen didn't know what to do or what to say to that. He'd do anything to just let things go back to normal. But he was starting to wonder if it was even possible. "Well, I'm still sorry." They sat together quietly for a while then he finally stood up, taking a swig of his coffee. "I need to get to work. Thanks for the coffee."

* * *

Owen nearly jumped when the trill of an incoming communication interrupted his thoughts, then he cursed himself for the overreaction. He was at his desk in his home office, trying to finish the work he'd begun the night before. Thumbing the screen over to communications, he saw that Lieutenant Janeway was contacting him. He took a calming breath and accepted the call.

Kathryn's face appeared before him, looking startled.

"Captain! Sorry, I guess I didn't expect you to be available to pick up."

"I finally left Starfleet Medical yesterday. I've been trying to get caught up on everything I've missed."

"Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad… " she trailed off and he could see on her face how the memories were playing out in her mind. "I'm glad to hear that."

Owen smiled and was surprised to find easy it was. "Me too. It's… " he sighed. "It's nice to finally be home." His eyes met hers and for a moment, he felt a connection with the only person who really knew what he went through. Remembering himself, he cleared his throat and broke eye contact. "So, Lieutenant. I assume you had a reason for this call?"

"Oh, well, I didn't want to bother you, Captain. I was just planning to leave a message."

Owen smiled again. Even easier this time. "It's no problem. In fact, I could use a break." He'd actually been hoping to check on how she'd been doing since their return and this was the perfect opportunity. "What's on your mind, Lieutenant?"

"Well, I guess I wanted your advice on something," she began.

"Anything for my best student," he told her with a smile.

Kathryn flushed. "I've been back to work for a week," she began. "I'm helping in an astrophysics lab at headquarters."

"Well that sounds like a good fit for you. How's being back at work going?"

She sighed. "I just don't know. It's fine, of course. But I'm really looking forward to getting back out there. I don't like being cooped up in Headquarters."

"Well, luckily all this is temporary," he reminded her. "The _Al-Batani_ should hopefully be ready to head back out in a month or so. Then you can get back out there," he finished with a smile. After the words were out of his mouth, he felt a sinking feeling in his chest. _Only one more month_ … But despite his own hesitation, he was relieved to see that what happened hadn't left Kathryn timid and fearful. She was a fine officer, and Owen was glad to see that this experience hadn't turned her away from her previous passions.

Kathryn hesitated. "Well… I think I might need more than that."

Owen frowned. "More time? Are you asking to be reassigned?" He was surprised by how disappointed he was that Kathryn would want to leave for another ship, but he wasn't sure he could blame her.

"No!" she insisted quickly. "No, that's not it. I… I've been thinking. About switching to command track."

Owen let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and smiled. "Well, that sounds wonderful, Kathryn. You know I think you'd be a great candidate for a command position down the line, should you wish to pursue it. If that's what you want, I will gladly support you."

Kathryn beamed at him and his heart lifted a little, like a piece broken by the Cardassians had been put back into place. _Maybe things could go back to normal_ … "Thank you, Captain. I really appreciate it, especially coming from you."

Owen paused before his next words. "Have you spoken to your counselor about this?" He corrected himself quickly. "You don't need to answer. But it would be a good idea to discuss with them. They might have personalized advice or suggestions for you before you make the switch. But if they think you are ready, I'll support you a hundred percent, Kathryn."

"Thank you, Captain." She smiled again, and Owen felt his heart lift a little more. They said goodbye, and when Owen terminated the connection, he was in a better mood than he had been in days.


	8. Chapter 8

The crowd roared as the ball hit the scoring panel. It rebounded, and Tom was on it in an instant, running up the ramp and knocking it cleanly back to a teammate - Charlie - with his mallet. But Charlie's shot was blocked and the ball continued to be passed around the playing field.

Owen was surprised by how comforting he found it to watch his son's Parrises Squares match. In the sea of spectators, he could blend in and focus on something else for a while. No one was paying attention to him. No one was asking him how he was doing.

The crowd gasped as Tom caught an ion mallet to the ribs and fell from the ramp. Julia gasped and clutched Owen's arm tightly, but Tom rolled successfully to the ground without injury and the crowd-and his parents-breathed a collective sigh of relief.

With Tom briefly down, the other team got the ball back, but Tom's team was able defend their lead until time ran out. The crowd was on their feet in a second, and Owen and Julia were right there with them, clapping and cheering enthusiastically for their son's win.

For a moment, Owen felt normal again.

As the crowd's cheering began to die down, Owen took Julia by the hand, and began to lead them both down towards the sidelines. By the time they were able to push their way through, the team had finished congratulating one another, and Tom was proudly showing off the large, red welt on his ribs. He'd pulled up his uniform to expose the injury, and his three teammates were huddled closely around him. Charlie ran his fingers over Tom's ribs as he inspected the injury.

"Damn, Tom! That's going to leave quite a bruise."

Tom flashed a cocky grin. "Totally worth it."

Julia frowned and pulled away from Owen to run to her son. "Oh, that looks terrible! You should have the medic look-"

"Ah, come on Mom, it will be fine," Tom demurred.

Julia still looked worried, but before she could challenge him on it, Owen cut in. "If he said he's fine, he's fine." Julia straightened and frowned at him. Owen looked back at Tom, avoiding his wife's gaze. "Besides, sometimes you've got to be able to take some hits in life, right, Tom?"

Tom looked between his parents and hesitated. "I… yeah. Definitely." Then his teammates were pulling him towards the stands and Tom gladly let himself be led away with a smile. The four teammates stood together to face their remaining parents and classmates in the crowd, each with one arm around the teammate next to them and the other waving at the crowd. Charlie was careful to avoid Tom's battered ribs, arm around his waist.

Owen watched the scene with a proud smile. Then the small PADD in his pocket buzzed. Pulling it from his pocket, he read the first few lines of the message.

His first response was relief. Then his gaze fell on his wife, standing next to him, and he filled with dread _. Damn it._

* * *

The PADD in Kathryn's pocket buzzed as she walked home from the transport station that night. She reached into her pocket, hoping that it might be the approval notification for her transfer request, even though she knew it was wholly impractical that it would have been processed on the same day she'd turned it in. What she saw made her smile. _Even better_.

It was orders from Starfleet Command. The _Al-Batani_ had a new mission and would be departing shortly.

Pocketing the PADD, she quickened her steps. She couldn't wait to tell Ethan the news.

By the time she finally pushed through the door of the apartment, her cheeks were flushed pink from the brisk air, but she barely noticed. "Ethan? Ethan! Guess what-"

"I'm in the kitchen!" he called in response. Kathryn smiled again, and hung her jacket by the door.

Entering the kitchen, she found Ethan bustling around a half set table. "I'm reheating the homemade stew your mother gave us, but I replicated the rest," he told her.

"It looks wonderful."

"I'm nearly done," he told her, pulling salads from the replicator. "Can you get some wine?" He looked up for a moment to give her a smile. "Then you can tell me all about your day."

Kathryn's smile broadened. "Sounds great." She pulled two glasses and a bottle of bordeaux from the cabinet and by the time she was done setting them on the table and pouring two glasses, Ethan was taking a seat. She sat down across from him and smiled.

"You seem to be in a good mood tonight."

"I am."

"Good day at work?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess. Work was fine. But today I made my decision and put in my paperwork."

Ethan smiled. "That's great! So where's your new position going to be?"

"Oh, well, I'll still be on the _Al-Batani_. We got our new orders today. The _Al-Batani_ will be leaving-"

Ethan cut her off, hands waving to stop. "Wait, wait, wait. Back up. You are staying on the _Al-Batani_?"

She frowned at him. "Yeah. That's what I just said." She hadn't even mentioned switching to command, and now she hesitated, unsure how he would respond.

"But, I thought you were going to think things over. Re-evaluate. We talked about this."

"That's what I did. This is what I want."

"Really?"

"Absolutely," she said with no hesitation. She frowned. "Is that a problem?"

"I just thought, after everything that happened, that you'd choose something safer. Something in the system."

Kathryn mouth fell open. "Why would you assume that?" She took a breath then continued hesitantly. "Is that what _you_ want?"

"Of course it is! I just want you to be safe, Kathryn."

She stared at him in shock, not knowing what to do or say. How _dare_ he presume to decide what was right for her. Just because he was content to stay in a lab at Headquarters, she was supposed to be too? How could he expect her to just sit back now? When she was needed more than ever? "Look, if you wanted me to stay, maybe you should have said something instead of pretending like you wanted me to make the decision."

Ethan leaned forward a little, elbows on the table and rubbed at his temple. "Fine. I want you to stay." Then he reached for her and she let him take her hand.

Looking down at their clasped hands, she shook her head sadly. "I don't know if I can do that."

Ethan sighed, stroking the palm of her hand with his fingers. "Katie, I'm just worried about you. What if something happened? Again?"

Kathryn was quiet for a long time. "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Well, maybe I'm not! I don't want to be left at home every time you go on a mission, wondering if you're going to be tortured!"

"I wasn't tortured!" Kathryn yelled.

"You could have been!"

They fell quiet again. There wasn't much she could say. "I'm sorry you feel that way." She took a deep breath. "I don't know how to give you the reassurance you want."

He looked at her sadly. "I don't know if you can."

* * *

"I can not _believe_ they would do this to you! It's unconscionable!" Julia paced the kitchen, twisting her hands restlessly in front of her.

Owen raised his hands placatingly as she turned back in his direction. "Julia, please-"

"No, Owen!" she yelled, stopping her pacing, "I won't stand for it! It's too soon!" Her raised voice bounced off the walls of their townhouse and Owen was infinitely glad that Charlie's family had taken the whole team out to celebrate their win, leaving the two of them alone, at least for a little while.

"Look," he began, in what he hoped was a reassuring voice, "I'm sure they spoke to my counselor. If they determined it's okay, I trust them."

"Well, I don't!" Julia snapped. "You aren't ready to go back out there, Owen!"

"I'm fine!" Owen retorted, even as he felt his body began to betray him. The tightness that had become a common occurrence began to build in his chest.

Julia shook her head in amazement. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"Please, Julia. You have to trust me on this. I'm _fine_." He reached out for her, and after a brief hesitation, she came to him, arms sliding around him and resting her head on his chest.

"I'm just worried about you," she whispered.

"I know." Owen held her in his arms, one hand stroking her back and the other curling into her hair. He pressed a kiss against the side of her head. As he held her, the tension in his chest slowly began to lessen. Finally, she pulled back and Owen tried to give her a reassuring smile. "It will be okay. When have I ever let you down?"

Julia gave a sad smile. "Never," she admitted. "But this is different. And I don't see what the rush is. There's no reason they can't give you more time!"

Owen tried to quash the flash of irritation he felt at her words. "Julia, you know that isn't how this works. We knew what we were getting into," Owen insisted. "If Starfleet needs me, I go."

Julia sighed and shook her head, unconvinced. "But they said that you could stay here and teach until Tom graduates. They weren't even supposed to send you off at all the last time!"

Owen felt the spot under his collarbone twinge and his chest began to feel tight again. _Not now_. "Look, with the Cardassian threat, things are stretched a little thin. Things _changed_. They do what they have to. And so do I."

But Julia shook her head more forcefully. "Because of the Cardassians, they were desperate to get you out there to study stellar phenomena?! That's ridiculous Owen, that's-" She stopped and a look of horror passed over her face and she pushed away from him. "Oh no. Tell me you weren't on a tactical mission." Panic began to creep into her voice.

"You know how this works, Julia! I was under orders and that information was classified!" He knew he was raising his voice, but he couldn't help it. "You may be a Paris but you are still a civilian, and you know I can't share classified information with you!"

"You knew!" she cried. "You knew you were in danger and you didn't tell me!"

Knowing there was no winning on that topic, Owen quickly tried to switch gears. "Look, what's done is done. But my new mission is perfectly safe. There are no tactical considerations!"

"Oh, so I'm supposed to trust them now? After all this?"

Owen took a breath but didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what else could be said.

They stared at each other as Julia continued to silently fume. Then she drew herself up. "You know, I held my tongue last time. But if you don't do anything about this, I will. Maybe Admiral Jahandar will see reason. He's old friends with Dad. Maybe he can get the mission reassigned to someone else."

Owen balked. "No!" Julia flinched at the volume of his voice but he continued. "No! You are not going over my head on this! This is the life that I - _we!_ \- signed up for. If they give me orders, I'm going to follow them. And that's that."

For a moment, Owen wondered if Julia was going to start yelling again, but they were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening and slamming, then the chatter of voices from the front hall. Tom's voice called out to them, and Owen automatically turned towards the sound. "Mom! Dad! Can Charlie stay over tonight?"

Owen's head snapped back to find Julia's eyes, but she wouldn't look at him. Tom and Charlie came crashing into the kitchen behind him and Owen turned to see two grinning, flushed faces.

"Dad? Can he?" Tom asked again.

Owen hesitated. He looked over his shoulder for his wife, but he found to his surprise that he was now alone in the kitchen.

"Dad?"

"I… yeah. That's fine," he mumbled.

"Great! Thanks!" The boys ran off towards the basement, but Owen barely heard them, staring at the empty spot where Julia had stood, moments ago.


	9. Chapter 9

Kathryn smoothed her uniform, turning in front of the mirror. She had pulled her long, auburn hair into a ponytail and pulled on her new - red - uniform. She smiled at the reflection in the mirror.

Then her eyes fell on the sink. The left side of the sink. The empty side of the sink. Kathryn swallowed and looked away. _It's fine. Everything is fine. This is the right decision._

Looking back at the mirror, she smiled. _This is the right decision_.

She pulled herself up to her full height and took a deep breath then let it out. She look one last look at the mirror then turned on her heel.

 _Time to go._

* * *

Julia met him in the transporter room before he left. She ran her hands over Owen's chest, smoothing the fabric of his uniform. "So… three months?"

Owen nodded and took his wife's hands in his, giving them a squeeze. "Yeah. We'll be back in March." They fell silent and Owen sought to fill the void. Things had been calm since the fight and they hadn't spoken of it since. They'd gone about their lives as though nothing was amiss, but there had been a tense undercurrent that had followed them, unspoken but present, ever since. "So, when do classes start?"

"Two weeks."

Owen nodded. "I'm sorry I'll miss Christmas this year. Tell your parents Merry Christmas for me."

Julia nodded. "I'll tell Dad. Mom is busy this year too. She's got a conference on Betazed." She smiled up at him. "I'm glad you got to see the girls again before you left."

"Me too."

They fell silent again and Julia looked down at their entwined hands. "I'm going to miss you."

"I know. I'm going to miss you too," Owen replied. She finally looked up at him and gave him a smile, which Owen returned gratefully.

Then she slid her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. "I love you," she whispered.

Owen closed his eyes and let out a breath. "I love you too." He pressed a kiss into her dark hair.

She pulled back, but she didn't let go of him immediately. "Just be careful, okay?"

"I will. I promise."

Julia looked hesitant, but she nodded and gave him a small smile. Behind them, the doors opened and a crewman in a yellow uniform entered.

"Ready, Captain?"

Owen gave her a nod, then gave his wife one last hug before stepping onto the platform. He turned to face Julia, who gave him a silent wave before he dematerialized.

* * *

Kathryn threw herself onto the small couch in her quarters with a groan. Her first day back on duty on the _Al-Batani_ had had its good moments, but overall, it had been a profoundly obnoxious and frustrating day. When she was engrossed in her work, it had almost been like nothing had happened, but better. She was energized by getting back out into space and excited to learn about her new command duties. But the rest of the time…

She reached for the throw pillow above her head and pulled it under her neck, draping her other arm lazily over her eyes. Every time she'd entered a room, everyone would stare and fall quiet. She'd failed to have even one normal conversation with a fellow crewmate. They walked on eggshells around her, as though afraid that a sudden movement or an upraised voice would break her.

With a groan, she pulled the pillow from under her and threw it across the room. She knew she should get up and at least get out of her uniform. _Maybe a sonic shower will clear my mind… and maybe some coffee._

Getting up, she began to strip off her clothes as she walked across the room towards the fresher. Stepping into the sonic shower, she realized that she'd hoped it would be better here. On the ship, everyone already knew what had happened. But it was almost worse. Everyone knew, but no one _understood_. But as the sonic pulses worked the dirt and grime of the day away, Kathryn found some of her anxiety melting away as well. When she stepped out of the shower, she felt at least somewhat refreshed.

She pulled on her pajamas, reveling briefly in the luxurious feel of the silky fabric on fresh, clean skin. With a smile, she ordered some decaf from the replicator and sat back down on the couch. Kathryn took a sip of coffee and closed her eyes, waiting for the familiar rush of relaxation to flow through her.

Eventually opening her eyes, she gave up. She didn't feel relaxed. She just felt lonely. There was no Ethan to talk to. And she would usually talk to her team from the science department while on missions. But they didn't know what to do around her or what to say. They didn't understand.

Taking a deep breath, she took another sip of coffee. _This isn't permanent,_ she reminded herself. _They'll adjust. And so will you. Things will go back to normal_. But she couldn't help the feeling that it would just be nice to talk to someone. Someone who understands. But no one did. _Well… except for the captain_ , she supposed.

Then a flash of memory shot through her mind - Captain Paris, naked and strung up by his wrists, screaming. She winced and pushed the thought out of her head. _Everything is fine now,_ she reminded herself. _He is fine now. And you are fine. Everything is fine._

 _Everything will be fine._

* * *

"Captain."

Owen looked up to see his first officer standing at attention in the doorway of his ready room. Her long, dark hair was pulled back in a low ponytail and her face was as equable as always. He smiled. "Commander. What can I do for you?"

Vega approached his desk, holding out several PADDS. "I have the status reports from all departments."

"Ah, yes. Thank you." He took them from her and added them to his "to do" pile. Realizing that she was still standing before him, he looked back up. "Is there anything else, Commander?"

Vega swallowed. "Permission to speak freely sir?"

Owen frowned. "Of course."

"I think you need to say a few words to the senior staff. About what happened."

Owen looked away with a sigh. "And why is that?"

"They are tense. They… just need to know things are okay. They need to hear it from you."

His gut twisted and his collarbone twinged, but he ignored it. "No. That will just give further support to the idea that things aren't okay. Everything is fine. And they will realize it." Owen sighed. "Maybe it will take a few days. But then things will be back to normal." He shuffled through the PADDs on the desk, then forced himself to look back up at Vega. "If there's nothing else?"

He could see that she was unsatisfied, but knew she was professional enough to accept it. Sure enough, she nodded and turned towards the door. Before she left, she hesitated by the door and began to turn towards Owen. He looked up at her, wondering if she was going to say anything further, but she turned and left.

When she was gone, he tried to return his focus to the PADDs in front of him, but her suggestion of talking to the senior staff was making him think. He wasn't reconsidering what he'd told Vega, but he realized that there was one person he did need to talk to about what happened.

He tapped his commbadge. "Paris to Lieutenant Janeway. Please report to my ready room."

* * *

Kathryn hesitated outside the door. The captain hadn't explained what this was about, and she didn't know what to expect. After working with Paris for years, Kathryn was proud of the relationship she had developed with him; it was comfortable but professional. Or at least it had been. But now she wasn't sure where they stood. She'd seen him at his worst, his most vulnerable, and it had only served to strengthen her regard for him. To be pushed so far and still be able to focus on the mission, to protect his crew, to come back and go back into space afterwards spoke deeply to the person he was. But there was also something intimate about their shared experience. It left her off-kilter. She wasn't sure how to incorporate what they'd experienced into their professional relationship.

He wasn't her friend. He was her captain.

 _Get it together, Janeway_. Before she could give it a second thought, she pressed the chime to his door.

The door opened before her and she heard his voice. "Come in!"

Kathryn stepped inside and looked around. Paris stood by the viewport, facing away from her, watching the blur of stars passing by. The room itself was decorated simply, with a few pieces of abstract art on the walls, and some family photos on his desk.

Kathryn felt a pang of loss, thinking of her quarters. She'd removed all of the photos of herself and Ethan before they'd left Earth.

"Come in, Lieutenant," Paris told her, turning towards her and gesturing to the sofa under the viewport. He looked her up and down as she walked in. "You look good." Kathryn flushed and when Paris saw her expression, his turned to one of horror. He immediately clarified, "Your uniform, I mean. Command suits you."

She looked down at the new red uniform in question. "Well, thank you, Captain," she stammered. "Getting to take on my new command duties has definitely been the highlight of the mission so far."

He smiled, back in more comfortable territory. "I'm glad to hear that." He gestured at the sofa again. "Sit with me?"

"Of course."

"Look," he began as they sat down, "I have to admit that my main motivation in asking you here was to check on you."

"To check on me?"

"Yes… " he hesitated. "I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. Making the transition. After... everything that happened."

"Me?" Kathryn smiled uncomfortably, fighting the nervous urge to laugh. "No. _I'm_ fine. I - if anything, I should be asking you that." She hesitated. "I mean, you're the one… " Her words trailed off and she looked away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it."

Paris cleared his throat, and his voice was soft but still strong. "No, it's fine, Kathryn." Then he gave her an apologetic smile. "Do you mind if I call you Kathryn?" She nodded and he smiled. "Regardless of what happened, I am still your captain. And I _am_ responsible for making sure you're doing okay."

Kathryn looked down at her hands. She still couldn't believe he could be so concerned with her when he'd been through so much. And it was oddly comforting to have someone who actually might be able to empathize ask her how she was doing. "Well," she began, "work is good, like I said. I really am enjoying my new duties. But… " Part of her resisted sharing this with him. It sounded so unimportant compared to what he must be struggling with. But if he wanted to hear how she was doing, she'd tell him. "I guess the hard part has been the rest of the crew. They don't really seem to know how to act around me."

"I'm sorry to hear that. But I suppose I'm not surprised. I've had... a similar experience with the senior staff. But it should pass."

Kathryn looked down. "I hope so. I would love it if I could just enter a room without feeling like everyone's been talking about me."

She looked up in surprise at Paris' gentle touch on her shoulder. "Well, I just want you to know, if you ever need someone to talk to, especially about… what happened… I'm here for you."

Kathryn smiled in appreciation. "Thank you, Captain," she whispered.

"Please, when it's just the two of us, you can call me Owen."

Kathryn smiled again and nodded, then he gave her a squeeze on the shoulder and reassured her, "It's all going to be okay."

The words tumbled out of her before she could stop herself. "Will it?"

Owen gazed deeply into her eyes. "I hope so," he whispered.


	10. Chapter 10

The hum of the instruments and the beeps of the monitors were soothing to Kathryn's nerves. It was late, probably around 0100 hours, and she was on gamma shift. As part of her new command duties, she was rotating through all the jobs in the department to become more familiar with them in preparation to eventually run it herself.

The upside of this particular rotation was that working off-hours meant less awkward interactions with her fellow crewmembers. She could focus on the work without distraction. Intellectually, she was glad that she wouldn't always have to work the graveyard shift, but she couldn't deny that she was happier working by herself these days.

It also meant that she wasn't laying in bed, cold and alone and thinking about Ethan. Even though she was used to being away from him during missions, it was different to know he wasn't waiting for her back home. She didn't regret her decision exactly. She knew that it was the right thing. That a relationship with a man who couldn't support her wouldn't survive. But it didn't stop the loneliness that plagued her in the night.

"So how are the nanoflares doing tonight, Lieutenant?" Kathryn jumped at the voice behind her and swiveled in her seat to see Captain Paris standing behind her. He smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay," she assured him. "Things get pretty quiet during gamma shift. I didn't realize anyone was here."

He sat down at the workstation next to hers and began to pull up the data she'd been reviewing. "Captain," she began hesitantly, "what are you doing here this late?"

Paris shrugged as he checked the readings on the console in front of him and she wondered if he was deliberately avoiding her eyes. "I couldn't sleep."

For a moment, Kathryn wondered just what sort of dreams he had these days. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

He looked at her in surprise then forced a smile. "I'm fine."

She met his eyes unflinchingly, shaking her head. "You don't have to be. Fine, I mean. Not with me. I know you have to be professional in front of everyone else. But... you don't have to in front of me."

Paris sucked in a breath and refused to meet her eyes. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Lieutenant."

She knew she should let it go. She knew it. But she couldn't. "I understand why you want to pretend nothing happened. I _understand_. But I already know. I saw it. You don't have to pretend with me. I know… " She fell quiet for a moment, suddenly hesitant. "I know what you went through."

Paris still wouldn't look at her, but his demeanor shifted at her words. He started to reach out towards her, then seemed to think better of it. "Thank you," he murmured.

They both fell silent and she turned back towards her console. "I broke up with my boyfriend," she blurted out.

Paris looked up at her in surprise and confusion. "What?"

"I just… things changed. After I got back. And it didn't work out. So you don't have to pretend it didn't change you. It changed me."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

She shrugged and turned away uncomfortably. "It's okay." _Why are even telling him this?_ "It's probably better this way," she continued, nervously tucking a long strand of auburn hair behind her ear.

"Why do you say that?"

Kathryn opened her mouth and tried to figure out how to respond. How was she even having this conversation? "I just- " She shook her head. "We didn't want the same things anymore. And he didn't understand. How I could come back out here." Turning back to the console, she gave a derisive chuckle. "I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm crazy. But… you understand, right?"

"I do. You're not crazy," Paris assured her, giving her an unguarded smile for the first time that night. "Passionate, maybe. But not crazy."

Kathryn's heart lifted and she opened her mouth, wanting to respond even if she wasn't quite sure what to say yet. But before she could, a loud, insistent beeping blared at them, and Kathryn's fingers immediately went to console to see what could have disrupted her scans. Pulling up the sensor screen, she found that there was an unexpected source of gamma radiation building up near the nanoflares.

"I can't isolate the source of the radiation," she said.

"Try recalibrating the aft sensors."

Kathryn's brow furrowed as she worked, focused solely on the mystery before her. "It shouldn't be there," she muttered, "unless…". Once the re-calibration was complete, she ran a new scan. As the results began to update, the data slowly became clearer. "It's actually coming from the center of the flares." She shook her head in disbelief. "That means… "

Paris chuckled softly. "It means you were right."

"I can't believe it! This is amazing… the presence of gamma radiation in a flare means it's turbulent. No one knew that could happen at these length scales." She turned towards him, her smile widening. "This changes everything we know about nanoflares." Turning back to the readout, she could almost forget everything that happened before. Her whole attention was focused on the data before her. She didn't even notice when Owen stood up and moved behind her. But she felt it when he pressed one hand onto her shoulder and leaned in.

"Look right here," he murmured near her ear. He raised a hand, finger pointing at her display screen. "Right there." A thrill moved through her body as her gaze followed his finger.

"It's fluctuating," she noted. "Why?"

His voice was right in her ear and she shivered. "I'm not certain." He clapped his hand against her shoulder. "But you have more work to do."

Kathryn smiled.

* * *

When Owen finally retired for the night, it was nearly 0300 hours and he was bone tired. It had become the only way he could even attempt to sleep these days. His body seemed to have decided, without consulting his brain, that the only way to avoid the terrible dreams was to simply avoid sleep at all costs. Unfortunately, the resulting sleep deprivation only increased his already heightened irritability.

He hoped he was tired enough to overcome his body's reluctance, because he was utterly exhausted and would have given anything to caught a few solid, uninterrupted hours of sleep before alpha shift.

Climbing into bed, the sheets felt cold and empty, and he felt a sudden and overwhelming pang of loneliness. He and Julia were more than used to long periods away from one another. It was wonderful to be together, but they had both always been comfortable with the inevitable separation that his missions brought. But after his last mission, everything had been different, his whole world turned upside down and inside out, and at times like this he craved the intimacy and warmth of Julia's touch.

He pulled the blanket under his chin. "Computer, raise the temperature three degrees."

* * *

Owen Paris was a man who preferred hard lines and clear boundaries. This had served him well in the hierarchical structure of Starfleet. He was the captain. Each person on his crew had a specific role. Other captains might maintain a more casual, cordial environment on their ships, but not Owen. He did not fraternize with his crew. Even among his senior staff, such socializing was limited. It was better that way. Easier that way.

All of that had gone out the window with Kathryn. She'd always had a way of pushing through boundaries to get what she wanted. It was something he'd simultaneously admired in her and strove to limit and corral. But since their last mission, everything had turned upside down. So he'd sought out the company of the only person who understood what he'd been through.

Owen reached the sofa and handed a wine glass to Kathryn. He sat down on the other end of the sofa, setting his own wine glass down on the coffee table in front of them.

As he watched her settle back in, the remains of their shared dinner on the table behind him, he realized just how much he had come to enjoy the time they'd spent together. He couldn't have imagined a month ago that he would be enjoying a relaxing bottle of wine with her. Or being so comfortable while doing it. He hated feeling… dependent on anyone or anything, but between the added stress and the fact that his wife was light-years away, he had become quite attached to the time he spent with Kathryn.

"So," he began, "how is the research going?"

"Good!" she enthused. "I mean, you know, it's mostly just documenting everything right now. We have to replicate our initial findings. It's going to take some time." She smiled. "But, I'm really enjoying it."

"I'm glad."

Kathryn took another sip of wine, and Owen felt his happiness swell. It was so wonderful to see her happy and relaxed and to hear the enthusiasm in her voice when she spoke about her work. It renewed his faith in the future. Maybe everything would be okay after all.

"I hope it's okay if I say this," he began. "But it makes me happy to see you so excited." She looked at him in mild confusion, so he continued. "To know that what happened hasn't ruined your enthusiasm for this work."

To his surprise, her shoulders slumped and she curled in on herself a little. "I wish Ethan had felt that way."

He reached out and gave her knee a brief squeeze, hoping he wasn't overstepping his bounds. "I'm sorry."

Kathryn shook herself and brightened, although Owen suspected it was somewhat forced. "It's okay. Really." She shrugged. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

He took a sip of his own wine and frowned. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She gave him a sad smile and his stomach twisted. "I don't know. It's fine." She twirled her wine glass absentmindedly. "I mean… I guess I just thought we had a good thing. But… we just didn't want the same things."

Owen took another sip of wine and waited to see if she would continue.

"He… he wanted to protect me."

A slight smile slid across Owen's face. "Is that so bad?" There was a big part of him that couldn't blame Ethan for his intentions.

Kathryn glared. "He wanted me to give up everything!" She gestured broadly with the wine glass and Owen wondered if the wine was already affecting her. "Everything!"

Owen swallowed his grin with sip of wine. They hadn't had _that_ much, but Kathryn was petite, and he had to remember the alcohol would probably affect her faster. Soon it would definitely be time to make sure she got safely back to her quarters.

She sighed grumpily. "He wanted me to _transfer_. To somewhere safer. To give up my career goals."

 _Ah_. "I'm sorry."

"It's better this way." She gestured again with the wine glass, pointing in his direction. This time a few drops of wine sloshed out and began to slide down the outside of the glass. Before they could escape too far, Kathryn caught them with her thumb and brought it to her mouth. As Owen watched, she sucked her thumb between her lips, tongue darting out to catch the wine. "I just need to find the right person," she continued, undeterred. "I need a supportive partner. Like you have."

At the mention of his wife, the atmosphere changed in a way Owen couldn't explain. The thought of Julia in that moment made him slightly nauseous. Any other time he would have agreed wholeheartedly. But now… Another swallow of wine washed away the tight feeling in his chest. "Actually… Julia didn't want me to go on this mission."

Kathryn looked up in surprise. "Really?"

Owen rubbed his neck. "I think she was afraid I wasn't ready yet."

She swallowed uncomfortably. "Oh. I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say."

They sat awkwardly in silence for several moments. Owen took another sip of wine, draining his glass. He picked up the bottle to refill their glasses and was surprised to find it was empty. Usually he wouldn't open more than one bottle of wine for dinner. But tonight had been different. He was just having too nice of a time and he knew neither of them had to be on duty first thing in the morning. It was the perfect time to relax. And didn't he _deserve_ to finally relax a little? After this glass, he'd make sure she went back to her quarters. After a moment's hesitation, he stood up and waved his glass in Kathryn's direction. "Another?"

"Yes. _Please_."

He crossed his quarters to the replicator and got them another bottle of cabernet. When he returned, Kathryn smiled at him as he refilled her glass and he felt a little lightheaded. Owen watched as Kathryn took another sip of her wine. When she caught him staring at her, she smiled shyly, the pink flush of her cheeks deepening.

Looking away, Owen set his glass down on the table and sat down next to her. "Don't worry about Ethan. You are… so smart. And so passionate. If Ethan wasn't the right person, then you'll find someone better, I have no doubt." Owen suddenly realized he'd been leaning in towards her. He pulled back, but Kathryn didn't seem to notice. Her blush deepened at his words and she bit down on her bottom lip.

She swallowed and he could see the muscles in her face and throat ripple under her skin. Then she began to lean in towards him. For a moment, he was frozen, transfixed by her gaze. She leaned in closer and bit her lip again, drawing his eyes back to her mouth.

 _What are you doing?_

Owen pulled back, clearing his throat loudly, then he stood up and began to clear away dinner. "It's probably time for you to get back to your quarters, Lieutenant," he told her, looking anywhere but her face. His tone left no room for argument and Kathryn excused herself quickly and quietly. Owen sat down heavily on the couch after he'd finished recycling their plates and glasses, rubbing his hands over his face. He stared down at his hands, eyes immediately falling on the simple gold ring he wore on his left hand.


	11. Chapter 11

Kathryn struggled to sleep that night. She tossed and turned, but she was unable to escape the memory of what almost happened.

Her thoughts were a confused jumble of guilt and remorse and desire. Everything had felt so right, so natural. She'd do anything to find out what his lips tasted like, to feel his strong hands on her body. _That's ridiculous. You're just lonely,_ she told herself. Since when had she been attracted to Captain Paris anyway? _I'm just missing Ethan_. But right now she didn't want Ethan. She wanted _Owen_.

She'd always admired Owen. He was the ideal Starfleet officer. Intelligent, curious, hardworking. He had a successful career and a wonderful family. It was everything she wanted to be and to have. She had always been aware that Owen was attractive, but she thought it had been more of an objective assessment, not a sign of personal desire. She couldn't deny that he was tall and fit, with broad shoulders, and the most piercing blue eyes she'd ever seen. And if he had gone a little gray and had fine lines around his eyes, it only served to make him look more distinguished. So maybe she had a bit of a crush on him. So what? Didn't _everyone_ have a crush on their boss?

 _But they don't act on it_.

Kathryn groaned and buried her head in her pillow. She could still hardly believe she'd been so close to kissing him. He was her _captain_ , for god's sake! The worst part was thinking about Julia. Owen wasn't just married; Kathryn had actually _met_ his wife. His wonderful, beautiful, accomplished wife.

Shame burned deep in Kathryn's stomach, but she took comfort in the fact that nothing had actually happened. This wasn't the sort of person she was. Or that Owen was. They were good people. They didn't do things like this. This… it was just one tiny misstep. They were lonely and drunk - not that drunk, it was only one bottle of wine - and it wouldn't happen again. She wouldn't allow it.

Then they could move on with their lives. It would be quickly forgotten.

* * *

Owen Paris hadn't slept much recently. Usually, it was because his sleep was plagued with nightmares. Nightmares of scaly hands and questions he couldn't answer. Nightmares of pain and terror and screams. But last night had been different.

The bridge crew continued to work around him, oblivious to his discomfort. He sat rigidly, hands clasping the arms of his chair, as he watched them work. They were a good crew. _My crew_. And he took that responsibility seriously. So he would be professional. He wouldn't show any weakness, any distraction. And he wouldn't make _that_ mistake again.

Because that what it was. A mistake.

A young, pretty mistake with a husky voice that sent chills through his body.

But Owen Paris wasn't a man that made mistakes. She'd just been there in a vulnerable moment. It was merely an unfortunate confluence of events. He was still struggling to recover from what had happened with the Cardassians, and it left him uncharacteristically needy and vulnerable. They were a little drunk. Really, the mistake was not sending Kathryn back to her quarters earlier.

Even though nothing had happened, things had gone too far, come too close. Next time, he wouldn't let things go so far.

Of course it had to be today that she was assigned to the bridge. She was at the science station to his right. Every so often, he caught her looking in his direction out of the corner of his eye, but he ignored it.

Because it didn't matter. Nothing was going to happen.

He should call Julia after his shift. He'd feel better after getting a chance to speak with his wife. There was nothing to worry about.

He clasped the arms of the chair a little tighter.

* * *

 _Kathryn didn't know where she was. Everything was dark. Moving by feel, she pulled herself to her knees and began to crawl, fingers searching for clues as she moved. The floor was smooth and gave her no hints, but when she looked up again, something was there where nothing had been a moment before. The darkness hadn't lifted, but in front of her on the ground she saw a body._

The captain!

 _She began to move faster, trying to get to him, but no matter what she did she never seemed to get any closer. "Captain! Owen!" Standing unsteadily on weak knees, she began to run, but still she didn't get any closer. "Owen!"_

 _He didn't respond to her cries, his body motionless and unresponsive. Then she heard a voice._

" _Tell me what you know!"_

 _The captain didn't respond to the voice any more than he had to her, but the voice wouldn't accept his silence. There was a sizzle of electricity, then Owen was screaming, clawing at his chest and writhing in pain._

" _No!" Kathryn tried to run again but never seemed to move anywhere._

" _Tell me what you know!"_

 _There was another sizzle, a new scream ripped from Owen's throat, then he abruptly cut off, body collapsing, too still, too quiet._

" _Owen! No! NO!" She began to run again and she finally moved towards him, only to see his body disappear as soon as she got close._

Kathryn bolted upright, a scream stuck in her throat. Her chest heaved, and she struggled to catch her breath. She drew up her knees and curled around them, hugging herself. _It's fine_ , she told herself. _It's not real_.

 _It was real_ , another voice told her.

But it's over, she reminded herself. _It's over. Captain Paris is probably in his quarters. Asleep. Alive. Fine._

She tried to focus on her breathing.

 _Breathe in._

 _...Breathe out._

 _Breathe in._

 _...Breathe out._

After a few minutes, she felt her heart rate slowly return to normal, but the underlying anxiety didn't pass. First she tried just getting out of bed. Turning the light on. Walking around. When that didn't help, she got some coffee - decaf of course, it was the middle of the night after all. But that didn't help either; the cup trembled in her hands. She thought maybe she could try to work out. But the thought of running into anyone in the gym terrified her. She wasn't prepared to deal with other people.

She sat down on the small sofa and stared at her abandoned coffee. _Everything is fine. You know that. It's over._

But no matter what she told herself, she couldn't get over the feeling of certainty that Owen was dead.

 _He's fine. He's in his quarters. He's probably asleep, like a normal person._

 _But what if he's not? What if something is wrong? What if he needs help? I have to help him!_

 _That's ridiculous. You had a nightmare. Move on_.

Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her hands over her face. _You're fine. Calm down._

But she couldn't. The trembling grew stronger. Seemingly left with no other options, she stood up and left.

Only three minutes later, she was buzzing the door to Owen's quarters.

As she waited for him to answer, a thousand terrible possibilities flew through her mind.

 _He's dead._

 _...He's not dead._

 _He's hurt. He can't make it to the door._

 _...He's fine. He's probably asleep._

 _He's restrained and can't respond._

 _...Someone would have noticed the ship being boarded._

 _He's been captured._

 _...Someone would have noticed!_

 _Then why isn't he opening the door?! Something's wrong-_

Then the door opened. Owen stood in the doorway, in an undershirt and robe, blinking blearily. Kathryn was so relieved to see him that she barely even noticed his state of undress. When he saw Kathryn, his eyes snapped open and he took a surprised step back before he pulled himself together. "Lieutenant." His voice was all business. "You really shouldn't be here. If you need something, you can make an appointment through Commander Vega."

Kathryn withered a little, wringing her hands. "I- I'm sorry. You're right. I just needed to make sure you were okay. You- you obviously are. I'm sorry. I'll go."

She turned to leave only to feel his hand on her arm. "Kathryn… " he began, voice softening, "are you okay? What happened?"

"I'm fine," she insisted quietly. "I just… I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous. Sorry to bother you sir." She started pull away again but he didn't let go of her arm.

"Come in, Kathryn. I can't send you back to your quarters alone right now. Sit with me until you feel better."

She nodded her thanks and followed him in, heading straight to the couch. He sat down next to her. "What happened?"

"I'm - I had a nightmare." She licked her lips and tried to continue, but her words were halting. Images of Owen kept flashing before her eyes. But not the Owen currently sitting next to her. She saw him in pain, heard his screams. She saw his broken lifeless body on the ground. "I saw you. They were torturing you. And - and I thought you were dead." She reached out next to her for his leg, but then pulled back abruptly. _You can't do that!_ she reminded herself. "I know it doesn't make any sense." She swallowed and turned to face him. "But… I just... needed to see that you were okay."

Owen took her hands in his and squeezed. "I'm fine, I promise."

Kathryn nodded. "Okay. Good. I mean, that's all I - I should really go." She began to stand up, but Owen didn't let go of her hands.

"It's okay," he murmured. Then he pulled her into his arms and held her. She relaxed against him, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around his back. He stroked her hair gently and murmured to her soothingly.

Eventually, she pulled back. "Thanks," she whispered. She knew she should stand up and go back to her quarters, but she suddenly didn't want to. She felt more relaxed in Owen's arms than she had in a long time. "I… I should go."

Owen nodded.

"But… I don't want to."

She looked up in surprise at Owen's warm touch on her cheek. He cupped a hand against her jaw, stroking her cheek with his thumb. Then he pulled her gently towards him and kissed her.

She felt like she could have stayed in that moment forever. She was warm and comfortable and safe, and his kisses tasted just as sweet as she had imagined and as long as she was with him, she'd know he was okay.

Then he pulled back, breathing heavily. He looked afraid. His mouth began to open, but she didn't give him a chance to get anything out. She pulled him firmly by the shoulders and kissed him passionately and he gave in immediately under her touch, returning the kiss and threading his fingers through her hair. She slid her arms around his neck, holding him so close it was like her life depended on it. And maybe in that moment, it felt like it did.

They kissed until she couldn't breathe, and she finally pulled back, still holding him close, gulping oxygen as she stared into his eyes, only inches away from hers.

She licked her lips. "Owen… "

When his name left her lips, his eyes widened and he looked at her as though shocked. He pulled back and Kathryn's stomach dropped through her feet.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "You should go." He got up without waiting for a response, and Kathryn fled to her quarters.


	12. Chapter 12

After Kathryn was gone, Owen took a shower. It had seemed like an appropriate way to cleanse himself of what had just happened, to refresh his mind and body. Unfortunately, the memory of her had followed him in and the more he told himself to stop thinking about her, the more deeply she penetrated his thoughts.

And so he had found himself leaning forward against the shower wall with one forearm, pressing his face into the crook of his elbow, and reaching down with the other to grasp his erection. Maybe if he just took care of this very _insistent_ and _immediate_ problem, he would finally be able to rid himself of the memory of kissing Kathryn Janeway.

Of her, in nothing but silky pajamas, climbing into his lap and kissing him passionately in return. Of her deep, breathless moans. Of her hands on his chest, sliding around him and holding him close.

 _So_ close.

His hand pumped furiously, seeking a quick resolution. At first he'd tried some of his usual fantasies, things he could depend on to take care of the situation quickly. But nothing had worked. No matter what he did, his mind drifted back to Kathryn. Eventually, he'd given in to the inevitable, reassuring himself that it would be over faster this way.

So he thought of Kathryn. He replayed every moment, every touch. But in his mind, he allowed himself what he'd refused; in his mind, they'd continued. He imagined undressing her, licking her till she was sopping wet, then pounding her over the back of the couch until she begged him to make her come. She'd moan his name, over and over again, then-

Before he could even go any further, he was coming, hot thick ropes of cum painting the wall of the shower. He groaned, eyes squeezed tight, fingers spreading sticky wetness over the head of cock. Then he leaned back against the shower wall, body spent.

The pulses continued to beat down on him long after they'd removed all traces of dirt, grime, and semen from his body. But still he couldn't bring himself to leave. If he left the shower, he'd have to deal with the world that waited for him outside.

 _Julia…_ His stomach twisted and he leaned forward, pressing his hands against the wall. _Oh, Julia. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you_.

But Julia wasn't there to hear his pleas. No one was there. Owen leaned his forehead against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut. _No one was there_.

He slammed his hand against the button by the door, deactivating the sonic shower. Quickly pulling on underwear and a shirt, he moved to the communications console in the living area and called home.

It continued to ring for quite a while and Owen was worried Julia wasn't going to pick up. The anxiety started building in his chest, but he ignored it. _It's okay. She's busy. It's the middle of the night; do you even know what time it is on Earth?_ Then the call finally picked up, and Julia's smiling face appeared before him.

"Owen! It's good to see you!" she said brightly.

Owen smiled. "Hey. I've… I've missed you."

She returned his smile affectionately. "Me too. Unfortunately, I was just heading out the door. I need to get some things from my office before class, so I need to leave a little early."

Owen ignored the immediate pang of loneliness and forced a smile. "Of course. Sorry I didn't call earlier."

"Can you call me tonight? I'm sure Tom would like to say hello as well."

"Sure. That sounds great. I'll call later."

Julia smiled. "So... are you doing okay?"

Owen sucked in a breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

Julia beamed at him. "I'm so glad."

"Yeah." Owen choked out a laugh. "Me too. I'll call you later."

They said their goodbyes, then Owen sat back in his chair heavily. He couldn't be upset with Julia. She was doing her job. It was just bad timing. But it didn't make him feel better.

Owen stared at the dark console in front of him. Then with an inarticulate yell, he swiped across the desk, spilling PADDs onto the floor.

* * *

She'd been avoiding Owen the last few days, ever since that night. But today she had been stationed on the bridge, and she couldn't help watching him out of the corner of her eye. He seemed unsettled. His hands clutched the arms of his chair a little too tight. His eyes darted a little too fast. Sometimes she thought she could hear the stress in his voice, but it might have been her imagination.

At first she had been tempted to attribute it to herself, but it was clearly more that that. They'd been moving closer and closer to Cardassian space the last few days, and the closer they got, the more unsettled Owen became.

And eventually it had clicked. Something was happening with the Cardassians.

Entering her quarters, she tried to push it from her mind. Her shift might be over, but there was nothing she could do. And frankly, there was nothing she should do. His mental state was not her responsibility and she needed to keep it that way.

"Illumination. Seventy five percent." The lights blinked on and she headed towards her sink, taking the clip out of her hair and setting it down on the edge. She watched her reflection as she ran her fingers through her hair. Then she began to strip, tossing her uniform in the general direction of the 'fresher.

Since she'd been working beta shift, it was already getting quite late, and sleep was calling to her. She quickly pulled on a nightgown and climbed into bed. She reduced the lighting, but as exhausted as she was, once she was in bed, all she could think of was Owen.

Watching him struggle and being unable to do anything made her skin crawl. She could almost feel the tight grip of the Cardassians on her arms, holding her back. All she wanted was to help. But she knew she couldn't. _He can take care of himself._

With a sigh, she flipped over and pulled her blankets up. She slid her hands under the covers and hugged herself, fingers grazing the soft curve of her hip and settling around her waist. She flipped over again, trying to put Owen out of her mind, but it was no more successful than it had been the night before. In fact, he'd come to her every night since the kiss. The memory of his strong hands on her body, of his mouth on hers. His hot breath on her neck. His moans reverberating in her ears.

 _God, those hands…_

She shivered and ran her fingers up over her arms. Turning onto her back, she stared at the ceiling and tried not to imagine what his body would feel like, heavy on top of her. Of his length pressing into her, pushing her open…

Sliding her fingers under her panties, she gave in to the sweetness of fantasy.

* * *

The _Al-Batani_ cruised peacefully along the Demilitarized Zone and every fifteen minutes the lieutenant at tactical ran a scan in the direction of the Cardassian Union. So far there had been no suspicious activity. But that hadn't stopped Owen from being on edge for every moment of it. He'd only made it for a few hours on the bridge. Since then, he'd been in his ready room.

" _Captain Paris, there's a ship on long range sensors."_

The vague sense of impending doom sharpened into something concrete and tangible. It was almost a relief. Tapping his combadge, he quickly replied "I'll be right there."

The doors opened and he was back on the bridge. He surveyed the room with a quick sweep of his eyes. Everything was calm. The crew - _his_ crew - continued to work at their stations, unaware of any reason to worry. He walked towards the tactical station and Lieutenant Petrov looked up as he approached.

Owen nodded at him. "Report."

"There's a ship. About… " he looked down at his console, "1.5 light years away."

"Inside Cardassian space?"

"Yes. It's very close to the border. But it is inside it."

Owen stared at the display. "Have you found any of the indicators I told you to look for?"

The lieutenant shook his head. "No. Nothing. Just the ship."

 _Thank god_. "That's good to hear. It's probably nothing. Just keep on eye on it for now."

The young man on the other side of the console nodded, and Owen turned on his heel. He strode calmly towards his ready room.

Once he was inside, away from the view of his crew, the immediate problem resolved, the anxiety returned in a flash, settling in his stomach and thudding in his chest. Taking a breath, he tried to push it back down and moved to take a seat behind his desk.

It was going to be a _long_ day.

* * *

Kathryn was on her way back to her post after lunch when she heard harried voices in the next corridor. Curious, she turned towards the voices at the next junction, thinking she might be able to help. By the time she heard Owen's voice, it was too late to turn around without being noticed.

"What can you tell me?" he was asking two lieutenants in yellow.

They looked at each other hesitantly before responding. "Not much yet, sir. But the sensor array is finished resetting and is being brought back online as we speak. We should know more soon."

Owen let out a slow breath, as though trying to calm himself. "Report back to me as soon as they are back online. Dismissed." He was about to turn around when he saw Kathryn.

Her curiosity overrode her discomfort interacting with Owen in front of her fellow officers. "Is something wrong?" she asked.

Owen clearly looked like he would rather be anywhere but talking to Kathryn Janeway, but there was no way for him to ignore her while maintaining his professional image. "We picked up a Cardassian ship on long range sensors. It didn't seem suspicious at first, but then we started picking up some anomalous readings coming from that direction," he explained. "But then we realized that the lateral sensor array was malfunctioning. Until we fix it, we can't know if there's reason to be concerned."

 _Cardassians_. Her stomach flipped. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Your help is not required, Lieutenant," Owen replied brusquely. "You should report to your post." Then he turned on his heel and strode down the corridor without a glance.

Kathryn swallowed, hoping Owen's gruffness with her could be attributed to the situation with the Cardassian ship and not to her in any personal capacity. She wanted to go to him; he was obviously struggling. But that was out of the question. She was about to turn away when one of the lieutenants, Cohen, spoke up.

"Actually, if you don't mind, we could use another hand." He looked at her sheepishly. "The captain sure is in a mood, today, huh?"

Kathryn laughed in feigned camaraderie. "Oh yeah, you know the Captain," she replied with a shrug. "Everything has to be perfect." The other lieutenants laughed along with her, and she silently counted herself lucky for not raising any suspicions.

"So, do you think you could just watch the readout while we finish bringing the sensor array online? Just let us know if and when any of the readouts change."

"No problem," Kathryn replied.

* * *

Once they'd confirmed the sensors were fully back online and functioning correctly, they ran a new long range scan in the direction of the Cardassian ship. Kathryn watched with bated breath for the results, having put off her own duties in lieu of continuing to help.

When the scan came back normally, all three of them let out sighs of relief. Then the other lieutenant, Meesang, let out a second, more pained sigh.

"Is something else wrong?" Kathryn inquired.

"Not really. But this means someone did something wrong. The sensor array shouldn't have malfunctioned that way on its own. Someone in engineering must have been slacking on their duties. I just don't want to have to be the one to tell the Captain. He's _not_ going to be happy."

"I can go tell him," Kathryn offered.

Meesang looked up at her in surprise. "Are you sure you don't mind?"

"Yeah, I was heading that way, anyway," she lied.

* * *

When she arrived at the door of his ready room, Owen didn't respond. Frowning, she tried her commbadge without success. Pressing the chime again, she finally got a response.

"You are not needed, Lieutenant! Please leave!"

Kathryn flushed. "Ow- Captain Paris. I'm just here because I have the results of the scan."

"Go away!"

Kathryn hesitated for a moment, knowing what she was about to do broke several Starfleet regulations. But he was acting too erratically to just leave. "Computer," she began, "override door locks, authorization Paris one one delta gamma five." The doors slid open and she stepped inside. _Good thing I paid attention to his code_. She'd only heard him use it once or twice since she'd been on his ship, but she'd tucked the information away, just in case, and now she was glad she did.

Kathryn hadn't been completely sure what to expect when she arrived. But what she found was definitely not it.

The room had been trashed. There were PADDs scattered across the floor and the potted plant in the corner had been knocked over, soil and leaves scattered on the carpet. Owen paced frantically back and forth in front of the desk.

"Owen?" she asked. "Are you okay?"

He looked up at her in surprise, then his eyes clouded over and he looked away. "Kathryn, you need to leave."

"No, I have the results of the scan. The Cardassians aren't up to anything. The bizarre readings were just the result of a sensor malfunction. It's okay!"

"No!" he screamed suddenly. Kathryn winced and Owen swallowed, trying to calm himself. "I- I know that. I saw the readings. But it- it doesn't matter. No matter what I do-"

"What?"

He looked up at her and she could see he was trembling. "I… I can't… "

She moved towards him. "Owen, _please_ , let me help you."

He squeezed his eyes shut, hands rubbing over his face. "I keep seeing them, Kathryn. It won't stop."

She reached out for him, grasping his upper arms. "It's okay, Owen. They aren't here. Everything is fine."

He winced and shook his head. She could see that he was breathing fast and his hand clutched at his chest.

"Do you need to go to sickbay? I can call the doctor-"

"No! I'll be fine." He began to pace again, pulling away from her and unconsciously rubbing at his collarbone.

"Owen, you are _not_ okay!" He looked up at her in surprise and she continued more softly. "Let me help you. Please."

The pacing resumed. "Just- " he shook his head. "I just need to calm down. I'll be fine."

Kathryn nodded. "Yes, you will. But not on your own. You need _help_."

"I'll be fine!" he grumbled again. It seemed like he couldn't stop moving. He continued to pace, but that still wasn't enough. His hands were constantly traveling, running through his hair, or over his face, tugging at his uniform.

Stepping in front of him, she grabbed his hands and looked directly at him. "Owen. _Stop_. Look at me." He complied, but his face looked pained. It hurt to see him like this, but she continued to speak calmly. "You just need to calm down. Everything is fine. It's going to be okay."

At first it seemed like he was going to comply, then his face contorted. "I can't! I can't, I just-" He looked around frantically. "It won't stop!" Then he crumpled to his knees, leaning forward and burying his face in his arms.

"It's okay, I promise," she assured him, laying her hands on his shoulder. "Just breathe." It took a little while, but then he took a deep breath, and she did the same. "Okay. Now out. Slowly."

"In." Another breath.

"Out."

"In." She smiled at him encouragingly.

"Out."

She could see how he struggled to breathe slowly and deeply, but he was focused and it seemed to be helping.

"It's okay, Owen," she reassured him. "You are safe here."

He nodded hesitantly. "I am safe." He nodded briefly, then looked back down.

"Owen, look at me. It's okay," she reassured him. "It's _okay_." When he finally looked up, she reached out to cup his face in her hands. In his eyes, she saw a mix of gratitude and terror and she pulled him into her arms. At first he resisted, then he relaxed against her, arms clutching her tightly and burying his face in her neck. "It's okay," she repeated.

"I just- I keep seeing them." His voice trembled and Kathryn squeezed her eyes shut and she clutched him tighter.

"It's okay. They aren't here." She stroked his back and she felt the shuddering breath he took as he tried to pull himself together.

"Just… stay with me for a while?"

"Of course." She knew staying with him was suspect, that it was better, safer to leave. But she couldn't; she didn't _want_ to. If Owen was struggling, if he was hurting, she'd help him, propriety be damned. She's wasn't going to sit by while he suffered. Not if she could do anything about it.


	13. Chapter 13

Owen's footfalls beat steadily against the track of the ship's gymnasium. He was determined to find a better way to work through the anxiety that their proximity to the Demilitarized Zone had brought on him. Though he had appreciated Kathryn's support, he couldn't afford to depend on her. It was safest if they just avoided each other all together.

The _Al-Batani_ was not a large enough ship to have the expansive recreational facilities larger ships did, but it had a running track, and a multipurpose area inside the track that could be programmed to suit almost any need. The ship had been outfitted with the newest in holographic technology. Holo-emitters in the room could be used to produce the equipment for any sport or activity pre-programmed by Starfleet.

As Owen turned the corner of the track, however, such luxuries seemed superfluous. This was all he needed. His entire world had been reduced to his own body and the path before him. He was aware of the perspiration that made his shirt cling to his body. Of the blood pulsing in his ears. And the energizing combination of the pain in his muscles and the endorphins flowing through him. He heard the soft thud of his feet on the track. Heard each breath as his lungs replenished his blood with oxygen.

The tightness in his chest was gone, replaced by the burn in his lungs. The pain under his collarbone was almost gone too, overshadowed by the strain in his thighs. His mind was clear.

Then Owen's right knee buckled, and he barely got his left foot under his weight in time to avoid a fall.

He knew it was residual nerve damage, a left-over gift from the Cardassians. It appeared randomly, making his limbs twitch, his muscles clench. It had never been a problem; a dropped stylus here or there. And the doctors assured him it would reduce over time. It wasn't too surprising it would happen now. This was the hardest he'd pushed himself since… the incident.

But this was good. This was progress. And the next time he ran, it would be even better. For now, he would keep running, keep pushing himself until he couldn't go any further. Then he could return to his quarters too exhausted to think, and he could fall asleep. Without apprehension.

He turned the corner again and vaguely heard the sound of the doors to the gym opening behind him. It was barely noticed over the increasingly heavy sound of his breathing. Then the two people who entered came into view.

 _Oh, no._

Owen resolutely turned back to the track, refusing to look at the two women who had just entered. There might have been a lot of things that Owen needed, but this distraction was not one of them. Kathryn Janeway had just entered. The other woman was familiar, but Owen couldn't remember her name. An ensign from sciences, he was almost certain. But he focused back on the track.

He was not going to let the mere presence of Kathryn derail his progress.

So he kept running.

Kathryn and her companion began to set up something in the middle of the track, but Owen didn't pay them much attention as he ran past them. But when he rounded the end and came back around, he got a better look at her, and he almost fell again. And this time, his nerves were not to blame.

She was dressed in a surprisingly small white outfit. It involved a short-sleeved shirt and a very short, tight skirt. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail and she had a racket in her hand. A vague memory of a story about the high school tennis team floated to the back of his mind. Kathryn adjusted her skirt and settled herself on one side of the holographic court that had appeared inside of the track, her companion moving to the other side. She bent over slightly, racket at the ready, skirt pulled tight across her ass.

 _How could that skirt possibly be practical?_ Owen wondered briefly before turning his eyes back to the track.

But he hadn't become a Starfleet captain without a lot of self-control and determination. So he kept running, and he paid as little attention as possible to the two women playing a furious match next to him.

He didn't see how her tight shirt clung to her small breasts. Didn't notice how firm her ass looked when she bent over to pick up a ball. Definitely didn't wonder if the grunt she made when she swung for the ball was what it would sound like the first time he pushed into her.

Owen's right knee spasmed again, and this time he crashed hard onto the track beneath him. His ankle twisted, his full weight falling onto it. Then he felt something snap.

* * *

"Owen!"

Kathryn cried out in surprise and concern when she saw him fall. Her chest still heaved from the exertion of the game, but her attention was elsewhere. Marina looked up at her in surprise, then following her gaze, turned around to see the captain crumpled on the floor.

"Captain!" Marina cried before running towards him. Kathryn followed quickly behind, her heart pounding in her chest. Owen's face was twisted in pain and she felt her stomach drop. She wanted to help, but she was surprised how uncomfortable she felt about the idea in front of someone else.

 _There was nothing wrong with helping your injured captain, right?_

But Marina was already helping Owen to his feet.

"Captain, are you okay?"

Owen winced. "I'll be fine. I must have tripped. I just need to get to Sickbay."

She nodded, positioning her shoulder under Owen's arm so he could get some weight off of his leg, and wrapping an arm around him. Kathryn watched quietly.

Once they were gone, she fought the impulse to follow them. Intellectually, she knew he would be fine. That there was nothing she could do to help. But she still wanted to be with him. To make sure he was okay. To help him feel better. But she knew she shouldn't. He didn't need her now. And she'd already slipped up. At least Marina had been too distracted by the situation to have time to wonder why her automatic response had been to use the captain's first name.

Kathryn stared at the closed doors and rubbed her hands over her face. She really had to keep it together better than this.

* * *

Nights were the hardest.

The bustle of Sickbay, like the rigors of his duties, had kept him too distracted to think about Kathryn or to worry about Cardassians, but back in his quarters, with nothing to occupy his mind, there was always something to make him anxious.

Shuffling slowly across the room on his still sore, but now unbroken, foot, he slowly made his way to the replicator. After ordering some hot tea, a recommendation from Julia to calm him, he made his way to the couch, even more cautiously so as not to spill his drink. He took a tentative sip and winced. _Still too hot._

Owen reached out to set the mug on the coffee table, but his fingers spasmed before he got there. The mug tumbled out of his hand and onto the floor, shattering near his feet and splashing hot tea.

 _Fuck!_

 _Not again._

He cursed his body for failing him and clenched and unclenched his fingers experimentally, but his hand seemed fine now. He wanted to call Julia, but he knew it was still the middle of the night on Earth. Rubbing his hands over his face, he considered calling Kathryn. She'd understand his frustration. And having someone there might help keep his mind occupied. But then he remembered what happened the last time Kathryn came to his quarters, and he dismissed the possibility. That wouldn't lead anywhere good. He could take care of this himself. He had to.

With a sigh, he stood up and started cleaning up the mess. After returning the broken pieces of the mug to the replicator, he ordered a fresh tea. It was frustrating how long it took him to do anything on his injured foot, but eventually he was seated on the couch once again, tea in hand. He stared down at the beverage, but he found he had lost any interest in drinking it. The spot under his collarbone was starting to throb, and he thought again about calling Kathryn.

 _No. You're just going to have to figure out something else._

With a sigh, he stood back up and brought the undrunk tea back to the replicator to recycle.

 _Maybe if she just came over for a little while. There's no reason why anything has to happen…_ Owen shook himself. _You're being ridiculous. It's not worth the risk_.

Then the door chimed.


	14. Chapter 14

After she showered and changed, she headed straight for the captain's quarters. Kathryn knew it was a bad idea, but he'd had an anxiety attack not two days prior, and now he was hurt. No one else knew what he was going through. She just had to make sure he was okay. Anyone would have done the same.

As she pressed the chime, she worried that he might not be out of Sickbay yet, but after a few moments, he answered the door. He looked at her in only mild surprise and gave her a small, resigned smile. She returned the smile hesitantly and looked him up and down. He had his ankle tightly wrapped and didn't seem to be putting his full weight on it, but he did seem to be walking unassisted. He gestured inside with his head and Kathryn followed him in.

She could see that he was favoring his injured foot, but he made it to the sofa on his own, then sat down and put his feet up on the coffee table. Kathryn sat next to him.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

"I'll be fine," he responded gruffly. Then he shook his head and his voice softened. "I… it was a result of lingering nerve damage."

Kathryn's mouth fell open in surprise. "I had no idea it was affecting you that way. I'm so sorry."

Owen shrugged. "It's usually not a big problem." He flexed his fingers thoughtfully. "It's usually just a little twitch or a spasm. I just wasn't fast enough to catch myself when my knee gave out."

She wanted to reach for him, but she resisted. "How are you feeling? Is there anything I can get for you?"

"I'm okay. Doctor Castillo mended the bone. It will be tender for a few days, so it's best if I try not to use it more than necessary. But other than that, I'm good as new."

Kathryn sighed and gave him an encouraging smile. "Well, that's good. I'm glad your recovery should be fast."

"If only they all were." He was staring off into space as he spoke, his blue eyes clouded and unfocused. Kathryn reached out for him, resting a hand gently on his upper arm.

"It will all be okay. I don't know when. But it will. Eventually."

To her surprise, Owen was smiling at her when he turned back towards her. "You know," he began, "when you say that, I actually believe you."

"Why?" Her hand was still on his arm, but she slid it down, resting on his forearm. She wanted to take his hand, but she hesitated.

"Everyone has been telling me that since we were rescued. My counselor. Starfleet Command. My… " he trailed off, but he didn't have to finish for Kathryn to know who he was referring to. He shook his head. "But they have no idea. They mean well. But they don't understand. You understand."

Kathryn laced her fingers through Owen's and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back and it sent butterflies through her insides. "It might take a while," she continued. "And you might need help. But you will absolutely be okay, Owen. You are the strongest, most capable person I've ever met. If anyone can get through this, it's you. But it's okay to need help. You don't have to do this alone."

Owen hand tightened on hers again and he smiled at her. "Thank you." His voice was soft and he pulled her into his arms for a hug. She returned the embrace, then pulled back slowly when it was over, not wanting to let go. Their eyes met, and Kathryn felt the universe stop. She was acutely aware of Owen's body, warm and firm, muscles slightly tensed under her hands, of his hands around her waist, of his eyes, boring into hers. She knew that this was the moment. She could pull away and leave now. Wish Owen the best and not return. Go back to being just another lieutenant.

Or she could stay.

One of his hands brushed her hip, and the moment was broken, the universe was moving again. And she didn't leave. She leaned in towards him, and when their lips met, it was a mutual embrace, both of them moving in together, wanting the same thing, and ready to act on it.

He kissed her tenderly, one hand entwined in her hair, holding her close. The other hand began to slowly roam her body, drawing pleased sighs from her as it went. She kissed him back and slid her arms around his neck, but soon it wasn't enough, she was desperate to get closer to him. Climbing into his lap, she settled herself across his thighs, then returned her attention to his mouth.

He gasped into her mouth before recapturing her lips with his, nipping at her lips and making her groan. His hands slid around her and eventually settled on her ass, squeezing gently, and she rocked against him. Kathryn's pleased moan jumped an octave when she felt Owen's hardening cock trapped between them. He rocked her against him again and she whimpered, sucking hungrily on his bottom lip.

"Please…" she moaned.

"What do you need?" He sounded as desperate and as hungry as she felt.

"You."

Owen groaned and Kathryn began to pull at his shirt, the same one he'd been working out in. He gasped out syllables in between kisses.

"Ka… thryn… I… um… We should-"

She was too busy exploring his mouth to let him get very far, but when his hands closed over hers, unballing her fists from his shirt, she paused, suddenly afraid he was going to push her away again.

"Are you sure- I'm um… " Owen licked his lips. "I actually haven't showered since my run-"

Kathryn could have laughed out loud. She grinned at him and pulled the shirt over his head. "What's the point if I'm just going to get you sweaty again?" He let out an amused huff then pulled her back in. She ran her hands over his abdomen and up his chest then pressed herself fully against him and kissed him hungrily.

Owen tugged at her shirt, and Kathryn pulled back enough for Owen to have the space to get it off. Once it was off, he went straight for her bra, removing that as well before pulling her close again. His hands ran over her ribs, and she shivered at his touch, pink nipples tightening in response. He looked at her like he wanted to devour her. She felt his hands under her ass again, pulling her up onto her knees so that her breasts were level with his face. His mouth was on them immediately, sucking first on one, then the other. She whimpered as he continued, and soon she was trembling in his arms.

"Owen…"

He let go of the nipple he'd had caught between his teeth, replacing it with his fingers. He tugged on the taut nipple and looked up at Kathryn. "Getting impatient, are we?" he teased, voice rough with desire.

Kathryn groaned and settled back down on his lap, grinding her crotch against his firm length. "It's not impatience," she teased breathlessly, "I just know what I want." And with that, she began to fumble with Owen's pants. Her fingers grazed his cock, and Owen groaned. Moving to kneel in front of him, she tugged his shorts down his legs and his cock sprang free. Licking her lips, she leaned forward, hands sliding up muscular thighs, pressing them apart. His hard, thick erection jutted up proudly in front of her and she closed the distance between them, swiping her tongue up the underside of his cock and making Owen groan raggedly.

His hand went into her hair and he pushed her forward and down. She opened her mouth wide, taking the proffered organ between her lips. She bobbed up and down on his cock, sucking him into her mouth over and over again until his breathing began to change and she became worried he was going to come too soon. He whimpered when she began to pull away, but he released her hair and let her go. She quickly took her pants and panties off then climbed back into his lap. He reached for her, taking her by the hips and leading her towards him.

She held herself up on her knees, raised above him. Reaching behind her, she grasped his dick and sank carefully onto it. She shuddered and groaned as her body adjusted to his length and Owen's hands tightened on her hips. Their eyes met briefly but it was too much, and she had to close her eyes. Once he was fully inside her, she paused and Owen captured her lips under his. She returned the kiss breathlessly, never wanting to forget the feeling of him deep inside her, of the taste of his sweet kisses, and the feel of his hands on her body.

But eventually she had to move and she rolled her hips against him, sliding up and down his cock. Owen groaned and Kathryn whimpered and she did it again, faster this time. Then his hands tightened on her hips again, lifting her up and down. She struggled for a moment to move with him, then she found his rhythm and their bodies came together again and again.

"Oh, god…" She felt hot, and she moved faster, desperate to find her peak. Owen moved with her, pushing up into her. Then he slid one hand between her legs, near where their bodies were joined, searching for her clit with his thumb. He found it quickly, and he rubbed his thumb over her, sliding easily over her slick, swollen flesh. Kathryn shuddered and struggled to keep moving.

"Don't stop, Kathryn," he commanded.

She whimpered and started up again, finding a rhythm quickly. She moaned and gasped as she moved, caught between his cock inside her and his gentle insistent touch on her clit and it wasn't long before she was coming. She cried out, rocking against him as hard as she could, and then he was biting his lip and he was coming too, clutching her hips tightly enough to bruise and burying himself deep inside of her.

She collapsed against him when they were finished, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and burying her face in his neck as she tried to catch her breath. When she finally pulled back, she smiled down at him and licked her lips.

Owen smiled back, looking up at her and kissing her gently. "Join me for that shower?"

* * *

After a quick shower, both of them feeling much fresher, they climbed into bed together. Owen pulled her into his arms and kissed her tenderly and she melted against him.

Kathryn rested her head on his broad chest, fingers idly running through his hair. She smiled drowsily as she traced circles over his ribs. Owen's sharp intake of breath made her tense for a moment, then he _giggled_.

She looked up at him in surprise. "Are you … ticklish?"

Owen scowled half-heartedly. "And what if I am?"

Kathryn giggled. "I just don't think I've ever heard you giggle before."

Owen tipped her chin up so that he could look her in the eye and pressed a soft kiss against her lips. "You better not tell anyone."

Kathryn felt a rush of warmth in her chest and she grinned at him. "Will it ruin your formidable reputation?" she teased.

Owen huffed. "Something like that."

Kathryn tensed for a moment, then she sprang into action, fingers flying to Owen's sides.

He was faster.

Owen caught her hands, flipping her onto her back and pinning her under his weight. Kathryn gasped and felt the warmth in her chest move lower. She licked her lips. "Owen…"

Then his lips were on hers and she was arching up against him. He didn't let go of her wrists, keeping them pinned above her head as he moved down to her neck. His breath was hot on her skin and his kisses blazed a trail of fire down her throat. When Owen pulled back, he tucked her hands under her head, and smiled down at her. She idly considered moving them, but she was too curious about what he was going to do. He began to move down the bed, and she watched him go, obediently staying where she was; on her back with her hands laced behind her head. He gazed at her ravenously, fingers grazing soft, pale flesh as he went. His touch made the hairs on her arms stand up, and when he pushed her legs apart, Kathryn bit her lip in anticipation.

She felt his fingers first, spreading her open. Then his tongue, gently probing her most intimate places. Her hands clenched in her hair and her back arched, head thrown back. She bit down harder on her lip, but it didn't keep the low moan from escaping her lips.

His motions got bolder, long strokes of his tongue followed by gentle but insistent suction. Kathryn whimpered and bucked underneath him. Part of her wanted to reach for him, to clench in his hair and guide him just where she wanted him. But the other part was intoxicated by handing him control.

Her hands stayed locked behind her head.

She whimpered again as he sucked on her clit. "Owen…"

He pulled back, and she almost moved her hands. Then she felt his knees against the inside of her thighs and she knew what was coming.

She closed her eyes and tried to breathe. She could feel him shifting over her, and when she felt the mattress press down under her shoulders, she thought she might die of anticipation.

Then he was pressing into her again and she cried out. She knew she would be sore in the morning, but all she wanted in that moment was for Owen to fuck her as hard as he could.

"Owen, _please_ … "

"What do you want?"

"Fuck me," she ground out.

Owen groaned and it was like she could hear his resolve crumbling.

He thrust hard into her, one hand behind her head, and the other clutching her hip. Kathryn finally gave up keeping her hands in place, one twisting in the sheets, and the other pushing back against the headboard.

"Harder," she grunted.

Owen groaned and leaned back onto his knees. He gripped her thighs, pushing them further apart, then he resumed him motions, thrusting forcefully into her.

"Harder!" she demanded.

Owen groaned raggedly and did his best to comply. Then she was screaming and he was biting his lip and then he let out a long moan as he thrust deep into her.

When they were finished, he collapsed against her and Kathryn wrapped her arms around him, holding him to her, fingers digging into his broad shoulders. Eventually, he pushed up on his hands and pulled out of her, dropping heavily next to her with a groan. Rolling onto her side, she watched him as he stared up at the ceiling, still catching his breath.

"Owen," she whispered.

His eyes fluttered sleepily and he turned to look at her. His mouth curled into a smile. "Kathryn."

She smiled, feeling warm and fuzzy in the afterglow of their lovemaking. "You aren't going to kick me out of bed, are you?" she teased.

"No," he assured her, still smiling. "I don't know what I'd do without you."


	15. Chapter 15

_Owen struggled to pull himself up. His limbs felt like they were made of lead and his muscles were slow and sore and strained. His arms gave out underneath him, slamming his face into the smooth floor of the Cardassian torture chamber, but the pain in his jaw barely registered. As soon as he got his knees under him, he saw her._

 _The guards stood, stock-still, hands clasped on her upper arms. She fought them, writhing violently in their grasp, but they never moved. He couldn't see her face, but he could hear her cries._

 _He wanted to move towards her, but movement had gone from difficult to impossible. He was frozen in place, stuck like Vulcan quicksand._ Quicksand! _He tried to reach forward, and then he felt himself begin to sink into the floor. It gave way beneath him, molding around his knees and sucking him deeper._

No! Don't hurt her! No!

 _She began to cry and Owen worked harder to pull himself out of the floor, only to be sucked down into it faster._

Please! Take me! Let her go!

 _The Cardassian guards were laughing at him. One of them turned back to her -_ no! _\- and he wrenched her up violently, twisting his hand in her long dark hair and pulling hard._

Let her go! I'll give you what I want!

 _Her head came up, her piercing scream chilling him to the bone. Then their eyes met, and he saw her face for the first time._

 _Julia!_

Owen bolted upright in bed, his screams caught in his throat. His hand flew to his collarbone, fingers scraping over the bone. He curled to his knees, gasping for breath. His chest was throbbing and the muscles in his left arm began to spasm.

He held his arm tightly against his chest, gripping it so hard his fingers dug painfully into his upper arm.

 _It's over. It was just a dream. It's over_.

As he regained his breath, he automatically began to reach for Julia in bed next to him. Owen began to feel light-headed and he forced himself to breathe, chest shuddering painfully. He felt the bed shift under him and a hand on his back.

 _No!_ He pulled away from the hand, tangling himself in the sheets. But the hand was still there, reaching for him, and soon it was joined by another, then by small arms – _small?_ – wrapping around him tightly. "No! Stop!" His voice broke as he continued. "Please!" He tried to push away with his foot, but he was too tangled to get very far.

"It's me, it's okay! Owen, it's me!"

"Julia?" His body began to relax, sagging against her as the adrenaline began to recede.

"No, Owen. It's me. It's Kathryn."

"Kathryn?" His voice was small, but at least it didn't crack this time.

"I'm here." Her arms squeezed around his chest and she pressed her forehead into his back.

He breathed better in her arms, but his chest continued to throb. "Kathryn," he said, his voice a panicked whisper. "I think… I think I'm having a heart attack."

"It's not a heart attack." She spoke to him in a calm, reassuring voice. "It's a panic attack. But everything is okay now. Just keep breathing."

"It's not okay! They're here! I heard them!" The pressure began to increase in his chest.

"No!" Kathryn almost yelled, shaking him out of the fog of sleep. It didn't stop the throbbing in his chest, but he knew intellectually she was right, and he tried to focus on her voice. "It's over, Owen. You are in your quarters on the _Al-Batani_. I'm here. I'm _real_ , Owen. I'm _safe_. There are no Cardassians here." One arm pulled back, then he felt her fingers on his arm, stroking gently. "It's all over. You did it." His breaths began to come easier.

 _I did it?_

He didn't realize he'd spoken until Kathryn responded. "You did it. You _survived_. You kept me safe. We got out. _You did it_ , Owen."

Owen fell quiet, breaths coming softly and regularly. Kathryn wrapped her arm back around him and settled her body against him. _I did it_.

He drifted back to sleep slowly, in the comforting presence of her arms.

* * *

Owen woke up to find Kathryn Janeway awake and watching him calmly.

"Hey," she murmured. She lay next to him, her head propped up on her elbow, gray eyes watching him inquisitively.

"Hey." His voice was rough with sleep, and he cleared his throat, shaking himself and trying to clear the fog. "I'm sorry. I-"

"You don't have anything to be sorry for." Her voice was soft and calm and unfazed. "How did you sleep?"

Owen closed his eyes and leaned back into his pillow drowsily. "Much better," he admitted.

"I'm glad." He felt her hand on his face, fingers stroking his cheek, and his eyes fluttered back open. When he opened his eyes, she was looking down at him affectionately and he felt a pleasant twinge in his stomach.

Licking his lips, he told her, "Thank you. For helping me."

"It's no problem," she reassured him.

He was quiet for a moment. "You must think I'm so weak." He was surprised when she shook her head emphatically.

"I could _never_ think you are weak."

Owen reached up, cradling her face in his hand. "Well, thank you," he whispered.

Kathryn leaned in slowly, and Owen closed the last inches between them, kissing her softly. She made a pleased sound in the back of her throat, and Owen pulled her closer. His hand slid down her shoulder before gently palming her breast _._ He smiled at the gasp his caresses drew from her.

Owen pulled back, hand moving from her breast to curl more innocently around her waist. But Kathryn leaned back in immediately, capturing his lips under hers and holding him close. He felt a thrill run through him as he kissed her back and when he sucked on her bottom lip, she whimpered and his stomach flipped.

"Computer," he called, "what time is it?"

"It is oh six hundred thirty four."

With a groan, Owen rolled on top of Kathryn, hand sliding down her thigh and pushing her legs apart.

 _That will have to be enough._

* * *

When she awoke for the second time, she was alone. Owen had left immediately after they'd finished, showering quickly in a rush to get to the bridge on time for alpha shift. But she didn't work till beta shift, so he'd let her go back to sleep.

She got dressed slowly, staring curiously around her as she went, taking in Owen's quarters. It was an odd experience, being left alone there. He had several paperbound books on the shelf, including a copy of _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea_. There was a picture of his kids on the shelf too. It looked to be a few years old. Tom looked maybe ten, the girls in their early teens, and they smiled up at her cheerfully. She continued to wander around his room half-dressed. His nightstand seemed oddly empty, so she opened the drawer, wondering idly what he kept there. Inside was another framed picture, placed face down. She pulled it out and found it was of Owen and Julia. It was an old picture. They looked young, and Owen gazed at his wife in open adoration.

Kathryn dropped the picture and slammed the drawer shut.

She dressed quickly after that, then ducked out of Owen's quarters. She walked quickly down the corridor, almost running down Commander Vega.

"Commander!" Kathryn pulled herself up short, narrowly missing colliding with her.

"Lieutenant." Vega looked down at her suspiciously, then eyed the door to Owen's quarters down the hall, but didn't say anything. Kathryn hurried to her own quarters, terrified that Vega could somehow sense where she'd been.

* * *

Kathryn was on cloud nine throughout her whole shift that day. She performed her duties with a smile on her face, but she wasn't thinking about work. She'd been terrified for Owen after his nightmare, but after she'd calmed him down, she'd held him till he fell asleep again and it had felt so nice. It had felt comfortable. It had felt like she belonged there. And when they'd awoken, he'd climbed on top of her, kissing her and caressing her until she came. Then he'd pushed into her gently, and they'd moved together slowly until he found his release inside her.

So maybe it wasn't surprising that while she was running simulations she was daydreaming about being with Owen. _Maybe he was in the captain's chair on the bridge. Or in his ready room. And maybe she was there with him, unzipping his uniform pants and freeing him. Licking him, feeling him get bigger and stiffer the more she touched him, and finally taking him in her mouth. She'd taste the salty drips under her tongue. Owen's hand would be in her hair, and when he came, she'd gladly swa—_

"Lieutenant."

Kathryn nearly jumped out of her seat. Swiveling towards the voice, she saw Lieutenant Commander Kaul in the doorway of the science lab. She raised her eyebrows in a question.

"Your shift ended eight minutes ago," he told her.

"Oh." She tried to push the inappropriate thoughts of Owen out of her mind. "Th—thanks. I must have lost track of time."

Kaul smiled in understanding. "It happens to us all. But… if you are here because you are worried about impressing the captain with your new duties, you don't need to worry." He smiled at her. "You're already the teacher's pet."

Kathryn flushed. She desperately wanted to crawl under a rock and hide forever. _Teacher's pet?! What if someone suspected the truth? What if someone knew!_

She was afraid her thoughts were clearly broadcasting on her face, but Kaul didn't seem to notice. "Really, don't worry. You're doing a great job," he assured her.

Kathryn forced herself to smile. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

After she and Kaul said their goodbyes, she exited the science lab and she suddenly realized she didn't know where she was going. Part of her knew she needed to go to him. That it would be better. That he needed her. The other part was imagining what would happen if Kaul knew what she and the captain had been doing that morning.

But after what she'd seen last night, it didn't take long to make up her mind.

* * *

When Owen got back to his quarters, the anxiety set in immediately. It was different when he was on duty. The pressure of his responsibilities seemed to keep the anxiety at bay. To give him something to focus on. But once it was over, it would return in full force. And he didn't like the thought of a repeat of the night before. If only he could just stop having those nightmares…

His communications console began to chime, and he walked over to it, taking a seat and seeing who it was from.

 _Julia_.

Owen was surprised when he hesitated to pick up. He had never in his years in Starfleet ignored his wife's calls. But when he imagined their conversation - of Julia worrying about him and fretting over his nightmares - the stress he felt just increased, and he felt his chest begin to tighten.

Before he'd decided whether to answer, the door chimed and he looked up in surprise. "Computer. Who is it?"

"Kathryn Janeway," the computer replied promptly. The door chimed again and his stomach nearly jumped into his throat.

Owen didn't think, he just acted. "Come in," he called out, terminating the call on his console.

Kathryn smiled at him hesitantly from the open doorway, and the tension in his stomach was immediately replaced with a different, much more pleasant sort of anxiety. He smiled in relief and stood up, and Kathryn rushed to him, reaching up to loop her arms around his neck and pull him close. Owen's mouth was on her immediately, hands sliding around her waist and holding her tightly. She sighed into his mouth as they kissed, and Owen felt himself pushed back into the wall. _God, but she was enthusiastic._

Reaching down, he pulled her into his arms and she squealed in surprised before wrapping her legs tightly around him and tightening her grip on his shoulders.

She squealed his name and he carried her to his bedroom and when his knees ran into the bed, he let himself fall forward, dropping her down on top of it. She grinned up at him, hands already unzipping her uniform jacket and he felt all the blood leave his head. He grinned.

"Let me help you with that."


	16. Chapter 16

A week later, Kathryn was walking back to her quarters to change clothes before her shift when she realized that she hadn't slept in her own bed for a single night since Owen's fall in the gym. His ankle was fully healed now, as he'd more than adequately demonstrated that morning when he'd fucked her against the wall of the sonic shower. The memory made her shiver with pleasure.

Every morning followed pretty much the same routine. Wake up next to Owen. Exchange sleepy kisses. Put on previous day's uniform. Walk to own quarters. Shower. Put on new uniform. Report for duty. Act like nothing was going on. It had been easier than she'd expected. She already hadn't been interacting much with her fellow crewmembers, ever since they'd returned to the _Al-Batani_. So no one had noticed her absence, or gone looking for her at her quarters only to find her suspiciously missing. She hadn't had to come up with lies about what she was doing with her time.

The only problem was Vega. When Kathryn was on the bridge, she could feel Vega watching her. She had to be suspicious, but as far as Kathryn knew, she didn't have any proof.

Kathryn turned off of Owen's corridor to head for the turbolift and she came face to face with Vega.

"Lieutenant," she said crisply.

Kathryn nodded. "Commander." This was too perfect to be a coincidence. _Did she know? What should I do?_

Vega continued to stare her down, and Kathryn forced herself to wait silently and obediently for Vega to say or do something.

"There's been a minor accident in Engineering," Vega finally began. "Today you will be helping repair the damage. Report to Engineering immediately and the Chief will give you your orders."

Kathryn nodded. "Yes, sir." She began walking down the corridor but Vega's words stopped her.

"Engineering is this way, Lieutenant."

Kathryn's heart sank. _Of course it is._ But her quarters, with its clean clothes, was the other way. Turning on her heel, she followed Vega to Engineering in yesterday's uniform.

* * *

Owen was in his ready room reviewing the duty reports from the previous day when the chime indicated someone was at the door. Setting down his PADD, he looked up. "Come in."

Commander Vega stood just outside of door. She came in and walked towards his desk. She seemed calm, but her face looked like it was made of steel.

Owen gave her a smile. "What can I do for you Commander? Are the repairs proceeding according to schedule? I can reassign a few more people if you need them."

"I'm not here about Engineering."

Owen nodded and motioned for her to continue.

"Are you sleeping with Lieutenant Janeway?"

Owen's head shot up in surprise and every muscle in his body tensed. He forced his face to stay calm. "That's absurd."

"Is it?"

Owen swallowed and focused on keeping his breathing even. "Of course it is," he replied coldly.

Vega met his gaze evenly. "Glad to hear it. Because if you _were_ sleeping with Lieutenant Janeway, you would be obligated to report the nature of your relationship to Starfleet Command, per Article 3, Subsection D, Clause 6(c) of the–"

"I am fully aware of the protocol, Commander," Owen interrupted.

"Good." Her voice didn't sound very glad. She continued calmly, "My only concern, as always, is to see that everyone on this ship is fulfilling their duties in compliance with Starfleet protocols."

Owen nodded. "And that's why you are here. Thank you, Commander. That will be all."

Vega nodded, and Owen could tell she didn't believe him. But she was giving him an opportunity to fix things. And he realized that the time had in fact come to do just that. Things had gone too far, and he had an obligation to put a stop to it.

It was time to end things.

Once Vega was gone, he tapped his commbadge. "Captain Paris to Lieutenant Janeway. Report to my ready room immediately."

* * *

The call from the captain had been a surprise. They had kept things strictly off duty, so Kathryn worried it meant he was struggling again. She hoped that wasn't the case. He'd been much better, more calm, more like his old self since... whatever this was, had started. But if it wasn't that, then why was he calling her now?

Reaching his ready room, she pushed the chime and waited. She heard his voice almost immediately and the door opened. She walked in and stood in front of his desk at attention.

"Captain."

Owen swallowed. "At ease, Lieutenant."

Kathryn nodded and relaxed her stance, still curious what this all was about. He seemed okay, but she wasn't taking any chances. "Are you feeling alright?" She asked. "Do you need anything?"

He shook his head and Kathryn felt relief rush through her. "No, it's nothing like that. "I um… " Owen trailed off and Kathryn smiled encouragingly. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Now she grinned. "Are you sure that's all you want?"

Owen flushed a little at her proposition, but she was undeterred. If this wasn't work-related, and he wasn't experiencing a period of trauma-induced anguish, then that really only left one other reason to call her.

Kathryn grinned at him and moved around the desk. She settled into his lap, squeezing her knees between him and the sides of the chair. His hands were on her immediately, arms wrapping around her waist, and he licked his lips.

"Kathryn… " he whispered.

"Mmm?" She didn't wait for him to respond, taking his face in her hands and kissing him hungrily. One of his hands found its way under her jacket and she shivered.

He spoke again, but his words were slow and halting, squeezed between desperate, breathless kisses. "I… I'm not sure… this is a… a good idea."

But his body betrayed him. He kissed her ravenously and his hand had made it under another layer of clothing, fingers now skimming over warm flesh.

She ground her hips against him. "Do you want me to stop?" she asked.

"No." His voice was rough with desire now, and he squeezed her ass with the hand that wasn't stuck up her shirt, rocking her against him again.

"Now who's impatient?" she teased breathlessly.

Owen groaned. "I thought there was no such things as impatience. Just knowing what you want. And taking it." He kissed her passionately and she shivered in anticipation.

"Owen… " she gasped.

"Stand up," he told her, voice husky with desire. She did as instructed, and he spun her around roughly and pushed her over his desk. She gasped in surprise and flattened her hands on his desk, holding herself up. His hands moved to her waist, fingers tucking under the waistband, and then he was pushing her pants down to her knees.

She could feel his tightly clothed erection straining against her ass as he drew his fingers up along her thighs and hips. Then he pulled back a little and pressed two fingers into her from behind and she gasped. " _Yes…_ " He slid them in and out of her a few times, then they disappeared.

"Owen, _please…_ "

He ignored her plea, and she heard him unzipping his pants. Then his cock was pushing into her and she moaned low, in the back of her throat. "Oh, _yes…_ "

Owen grunted behind her and began to thrust into her roughly, fingers digging into her hips. "Oh, yes, fuck, _Kathryn…_ "

She leaned down and pushed back against her hands, pushing herself back against Owen's body. "Harder," she begged.

Owen grunted and thrusted into her faster.

Kathryn whimpered and reached with one hand between her legs, stroking herself as Owen continued to fuck her from behind. " _Yes, yes, yes, yes!_ " Then she was coming, eyes squeezed closed, fingers furiously rubbing her clit, and Owen's grip tight on her hips.

" _Kathryn_ ," he moaned, then his thrusts became jerky and he pulled her back by the hips, slamming her onto him over and over again until he was coming too. He slipped out of her and he stood up straight, hands gently caressing her where they had been furiously clenching just a moment before.

Kathryn stood up too, turning around to face him. She pulled his face down towards hers, kissing him softly. He returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You felt amazing," he murmured against her lips.

"I could say the same thing."

He smiled at her and it made her feel a little lightheaded. "Sit down," he rumbled.

Kathryn hesitated. She'd never sat in the captain's chair before, even if it was just the ready room, and not the bridge. But eventually she nodded and sat down, bare ass on the soft black leather. Owen knelt in front of her, that intoxicating smile still on his face. He pulled her boots off, then he pulled her pants the rest of the way off and gently spread her legs, nudging them up over his shoulders. She placed her feet behind him, on the edge of his desk and he began to lean in towards her.

She tried to breathe, but she found it hard to catch her breath when Owen, his uniform jacket askew, captain's pips shining on his collar, pants around his ankles, was leaning towards her wet, just-fucked pussy, spread open for him in his own chair. She had to close her eyes momentarily, leaning her head back to stare at the ceiling instead.

Then she felt it. His tongue was on her clit and two long fingers were inside her, and she thought she might just die in an overwhelming wave of pleasurable sensations. "Oh god, Owen… " Her legs trembled, and Owen reached up with his free hand to steady one of her thighs.

"Oh god, Owen. _Oh god oh god oh god_." She whimpered and squirmed in his chair, one hand clutching the arm of the chair, the other reaching for him, eventually curling tightly into his short, greying hair.

His tongue flicked over her clit and she bit her lip, unable to contain the low moan that escaped her. He looked up at her and their eyes met and she was almost overwhelmed by the intensity she saw in his piercing blue eyes. He broke eye contact and returned to sucking on her, and she began to mumble nonsensically.

" _Oh god, oh god oh god, Owen, please, oh god! Yes! Oh! That!_ " Then she was screaming and Owen had to hold her in place while she came or she would have fallen out of the chair.

Owen sat back on his heels, fingers still moving gently inside her and Kathryn whimpered as the aftershocks of her orgasm washed over her.

Her chest heaved as she caught her breath.

"Does that still feel good?"

Kathryn nodded, unable to even open her eyes. She wanted to melt into the chair and never get up.

He pushed his fingers in a little deeper and she gasped.

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

"Want me to keep going?"

She nodded again, moaning and arching up against him. Then his tongue was on her and he didn't stop until she was coming again.

* * *

No matter what Owen did, he could never seem to find the right moment to break it off. The longer it continued, the more the guilt gnawed at him. But even the guilt wasn't enough to make him throw away the only thing that was keeping him sane. And so things had continued unchanged.

But now they were approaching Earth.

She'd had a late shift that night, so he was already in bed, reading from a PADD, when she'd come over. He pretended to continue reading as she made herself comfortable, getting a snack from the replicator and stripping down to her panties and regulation tank top. But he stared blankly at the screen, thinking to himself. _It's time. You have to do this_.

 _You have to end it._

He knew she felt it too; over the last few days, he's started to see it in her eyes. Things were starting to shift, whether they wanted them to or not. She finally came into the bedroom and he looked up from his PADD. "Kathryn, maybe we should talk-"

But Kathryn cut him off, climbing into his lap and pressing her lips against his, and he didn't stop her. Returning the kiss, he thought to himself, _This is the last time, I swear_.


	17. Chapter 17

When Owen set foot on Earth, he was exhausted. Arriving home was always an ordeal for a captain. They had to dock the ship, get the reports in order, oversee the transport of the crew to the planet, coordinate with the staff at McKinley Station for the care of the ship while docked. And finally, to transport down to the planet himself.

And that might not even be the end of his day. He probably needed to make a stop by his office at Starfleet Command to get some things in order before he went home. Or at least that's what he'd convinced himself. He'd been turning it over in his head all day, trying to figure out what to do when he got home. But he still didn't feel ready.

So he'd settled on something he was comfortable with, something he understood. He'd focus on his _work_ , and if he got home late, that wasn't the worst outcome as far as Owen was concerned. And he could talk to Julia in the morning.

He stepped off the transporter pad briskly, ready to head to his office. The main transporter room was meant for transporting large numbers quickly and efficiently. It was always crowded, not just with Starfleet personnel, but often with their families as well. It was common for new crewmen and officers to have their families waiting there for them to arrive and welcome them back to the planet. But for someone like Owen, for whom this was a regular event, the excitement had long ago worn off. He'd see his family in the morning.

Not expecting a reception, Owen jumped at the sound of familiar voices calling for him.

"Owen!"

"Dad!"

His head snapped up and he spotted them. Julia, Kathleen, Moira, and Tom, all standing together and waiting for him with the other families. Owen's mouth fell open in surprise and confusion.

"What are you all doing here?"

"Happy birthday, Dad!" the girls responded in chorus.

Owen shook his head. "But… my birthday isn't for two more days."

Julia smiled and moved in for a quick hug, which Owen returned automatically. "Well, Kathleen won't be able to be in town for your actual birthday. So we thought we'd surprise you. We made reservations at that Japanese-Vulcan fusion place you like.

Owen chuckled nervously, eyes traveling over his wife and all of their children. Then he began to smile. He felt guilty that he'd even considered putting off this reunion. This was his family. This was home.

"That sounds wonderful."

* * *

After Kathryn arrived on Earth, she'd hovered nervously in the transporter room, waiting for Owen to arrive. She wasn't quite sure what she expected to happen. But she didn't feel like she could go home until she'd spoken with him.

She'd been watching the transporters so closely, she hadn't even noticed Owen's family waiting as well.

Owen stepped off the pad, and she started to head towards him when she heard it.

"Owen!"

"Dad!"

Then she saw them. Julia's long dark hair fell in thick waves over her shoulders, and Kathryn tugged anxiously at her own long, flat ponytail. Tom was next to her, and next to him…

Was that Kathleen and Moira? When had they gotten so old? She'd known they were older than Tom, but she hadn't _met_ them, hadn't seen any recent pictures. Somehow she'd failed to process that they were adults now. As she looked at them, she realized they could be her friends. Kathryn felt sick.

She backed into the crowd, avoiding calling attention to herself as she continued to watch them. Owen and Julia embraced and she felt the bile rising in her throat.

Turning, she forced herself to accept what she should have accepted a long time ago.

It was time to go home.

* * *

Finally in his bedroom at home, Owen gratefully pulled off his uniform jacket, then his pants. He rolled his shoulders, then his neck, stretching sore muscles. Tossing the discarded clothes over a chair he wondered where his robe had gotten to over the last few months.

He was startled by Julia coming up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist from behind.

"It's good to have you home again."

Owen swallowed and turned around, pulling gently from her grasp. He knew it would be easy to just move on and pretend like nothing happened. He trusted Kathryn to keep it quiet. The only way Julia would know was if he told her.

But that would mean lying. And that was one thing he could never do. "We need to talk."

Julia blinked. "Why? What's going on, Owen?"

"Just… let's sit down."

He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, and Julia sat down next to him. She reached out for his hand, and he gave her an obligatory squeeze then let go.

"Julia, I need to tell you something."

* * *

Kathryn tossed and turned all night. Her bed was lonely and cold and she craved the warmth and comfort of Owen's body next to hers. But even naming the desire only made it worse.

 _He's not mine._

 _He never was._

What had she been thinking? What did she think would happen when they returned? That he would leave his wife?

She wasn't even sure she wanted that. Kathryn hadn't gone into this looking for a relationship. It just… happened. And she'd liked it. And she hadn't known how to stop it.

And while she had to admit she didn't want it to end, she also didn't want it to continue. It was an objectively terrible idea, and she knew it.

But that didn't make it any easier.

Turning over for what felt like the hundredth time, she tried to find a cool bit of pillow to lay her head.

Kathryn wondered if Owen was planning to tell his wife what happened. If he already had. He had always been a very honest, straightforward person; it was one of the things she'd really liked and respected about Owen. But if _she_ found out, it might become public. People might know. Starfleet might know…

 _Starfleet!_ There was a sinking feeling in her stomach and she curled tighter around her pillow. She hadn't given much thought to how Starfleet regulations required notification of their relationship. Would Owen tell them? Would Starfleet find out? Would her father?

This wasn't what she wanted. This wasn't who she wanted to be! When she got her next promotion, would people ask if it was because she'd been fucking her commanding officer?

Kathryn groaned and rolled onto to her back to stare at the ceiling.

* * *

After several days of unresolved anxiety and not much sleep, she finally did it. She contacted Owen. It was just a text, asking to meet. Shortly afterwards, she received a brief response.

 _Pacific Heights Cafe, tomorrow at 1100 hours_.

So at 1058, she sat down at a small table in the back of the coffee shop. As she waited, she sipped her coffee and tried to stay calm, but the anxiety was twisting her up inside. He finally entered around five after, but to Kathryn, it felt like years. He paused momentarily, scanning the room until he found her. Kathryn gave a small wave with a hesitant smile, and he saw her and wound his way between the tables to reach her.

When he sat down, she wasn't sure what to say. "Hi."

Owen nodded, but didn't say anything. He leaned his forearms on the table and stared at his clasped hands. "I'm glad you contacted me. We need to go over a few things."

Kathryn nodded.

Owen remained silent for several long moments before he spoke again, licking his lips hesitantly. "I… I told Julia. About what happened."

"Oh god," Kathryn whispered, hiding her face behind her hands. When Owen didn't say anything else, she returned her hands to her coffee cup, and looked up at him. "What did she say?"

"That's between me and my wife." His words were matter of fact, but it didn't make them sting any less. Kathryn stared down at her coffee as he continued. "Suffice to say I tried to make it clear to her that I was sorry for what happened. That it wouldn't happen again. And that I would do anything in my power to make up for this."

Even though it was not only what she expected but also what she knew was right, it still hurt to hear.

"You know this is over, right?"

Kathryn finally looked back up and their eyes met. His eyes looked troubled and she wanted to comfort him, but this time she really knew she couldn't. She nodded, and she could see the relief on his face. She was surprised when she felt his hand on hers.

"I'm so, so sorry for what happened, Kathryn."

"Owen, it's not your fault. I mean- we both-"

"No." His commanding tone silenced her immediately. "I had a responsibility to put a stop to it. I should never have let it continue. Should never have let it happen in the first place." He shook his head.

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "Owen, you were in a difficult place, you-"

" _No_." He swallowed. "It doesn't matter."

"But Owen!"

"No. That's no excuse." He shook his head. "Not for this."

Kathryn felt sick. "I'm so sorry, Owen. I just… I'm so sorry." They fell quiet and she tried to calm herself, taking a deep breath and a sip of coffee. "Are you going to transfer me?"

"No. I mean, you can request a transfer if you want. But I'm not going to be captaining the _Al-Batani_ any longer."

"What?! Are you-" _He couldn't be leaving Starfleet, could he? Was he resigning? Did he tell them? Could you be court-martialed for something like this? No one loved Starfleet as much as Owen did_ …

"I'm going to be accepting a temporary position at Utopia Planetia."

"Oh." She was surprised how relieved she felt. "Okay."

"No Cardassians," he offered by way of explanation.

Kathryn nodded. "That… sounds like a good idea." Of course, it also meant he wouldn't be in San Francisco. Kathryn wondered just how badly Julia had taken the news.

"So you can stay on the _Al-Batani_ if you'd like. And all this… can just be forgotten."

She nodded again, then looked up. "So… does this mean you aren't telling Starfleet?" The thought of her father finding out had been haunting her for days.

Owen squirmed a little, and Kathryn remembered that Julia's parents were in Starfleet too. He hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I've thought about that a lot. But since we've already resolved things ourselves, I don't think it's necessary. Unless you'd like- "

"No!" she assured him quickly, and he seemed relieved. "No, of course. Nothing for them to worry about now." She was quiet for a moment, then she looked back up at him. "So I guess… that's it."

Owen let out a breath. "I think that covers it."

They both fell quiet, not knowing what else to say but reluctant to leave. Finally, Owen stood up. "I should be going."

Kathryn reached out to grab his hand before he could go. "Thank you."

Owen frowned. "For what?"

"I know… things didn't... end well. But your support and encouragement since I was in the Academy has meant a lot. And I just hope I can be the Starfleet officer you have been."

Owen looked at her in surprise. "Even now?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

He looked somewhat uncomfortable with the praise, but he accepted it with a nod. Then he gave her hand one last squeeze before reluctantly letting go. "You'll be a better officer than I ever was. I have no doubt."

Then before she could respond, he turned and walked away.


	18. Chapter 18

_January 16, 2371_

Since that day, nearly twelve years before, Kathryn had never breathed a word to anyone of what had transpired between herself and Owen. They'd seen each other only occasionally over the intervening years. He'd come to her father's funeral to express his condolences. When they'd crossed paths every so often in Headquarters, it was usually limited to the briefest of salutations. She thought she'd seen him in the back of the crowd when she'd been promoted to captain, but it might have been her imagination. But that had been the extent of their interaction until two days prior, when he had suddenly appeared in her office, asking her not to help him, but to help his family.

As she walked briskly through the afternoon sun shining over Auckland, it was with a purpose and vigor that actually surprised her. On the transport, she'd expected to feel more apprehension at being forced to confront such an embarrassing and tawdry mistake. But instead, she was invigorated. She'd held on to this guilt long enough. It was time to put some good back into the world.

She found the person she was looking and stopped, standing over him and putting her hands on her hips.

"Tom Paris? Kathryn Janeway. I served with your father on the _Al-Batani_. I wonder if we could go somewhere and talk."


End file.
